eternal bliss

It's time to say goodbye

2006-10-11T19:13:00.000+08:00

I have every intention to close down this blog since it has virtually received zero updates from me ever since I got here to Australia about 9 months ago. I find that with this blog I tend to live in falsehood, to put up a front of what I want others to perceive me as. It helped me connect to people yet the person that they see might not be the real me.

In the past, this blog was used for my muses and rants because oh i was a so ever sensitive person. Not that I am not sensitive now but I think learning to trust God more and walking more in His teachings have made me let go of alot of things. I don't want to be the one in control now because I trust God to take control over my life.

There have been lots of changes this year for me. Lots of growing up and this perhaps, has made me see that there are alot more things in life worth caring about than myself. Therefore, I don't really see the point of me going on about the minute details of superficial things that happen in my life. I want what I write to matter to others, to matter to myself when I read back my thoughts months or years later.I want a blog that will help me remember the things I cherish and hold dear to my heart. Maybe that's why I struggle to be consistent in my blog update this year. Or maybe blogging was just a trend that everyone rushed to catch and then abandon when all becomes too clouded, too much to speak.

But i do want you all to know that i do care for each and everyone of you who have bothered to read my blog so far. maybe i will start a new one when summer holidays(for aust) start so that my mind will be more refreshed and more aware of the exact words I want to say. But for the meantime, I will be MIA for this blog.

Thank you to each and everyone of you who has bothered to read my blog so far.

Love all of you.

Abt 1 month back to home!:)

2006-09-21T18:13:00.000+08:00

wake me up when september ends

it was only a few weeks ago when september really begun

spring was in the air

but then the rain came and all was gloomy and cold

all too soon assignments came

exams to top off all of that

rushing through the week

trying to catch my breath

making sense of my life

with all the uncertainties and fears

not knowing myself anymore

doing things irrtational and beyond myself

partying when there's work to be done

that's just so NOT me at all

all too soon I lose myself

and all have been too much to bear

i just need to be home soon

so wake me up when september ends

cos till then there'll only be 2 more months to go

before i am back to all your love again

2006-08-23T19:58:00.000+08:00

*Ten Guidelines From God*
Effective Immediately,please be aware that there are changes YOU needto make in YOUR life. These changes need to becompleted in order that I may fulfill My promisesto you to grant you peace, joy and happiness inthis life. I apologize for any inconvenience,but after all that I am doing, this seems verylittle to ask of you. Please, followthese 10 guidelines

*1.* *QUIT WORRYING*:Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sitand worry. Have you forgotten that I am hereto take all your burdens and carry them for you?Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2.* PUT IT ON THE LIST*:Something needs done or taken care of. Put iton the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MYto-do-list. Let ME be the one to take careof the problem. I can't help you until you turnit over to Me. And although My to-do-listis long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact,if the truth were ever really known, I takecare of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. *TRUST ME:***Once you've given your burdens to Me,quit trying to take them back. Trust inMe. Have the faith that I will take care ofall your needs, your problems and your trials.Problems with the kids? Put them on My list.Problem with finances? Put it on My list.Problems with your emotional roller coaster ?For My sake, put it on My list. I want tohelp you. All you have to do is ask.

4. *LEAVE IT ALONE:***Don't wake up one morning and say,"Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I thinkI can handle it from here." Why do you thinkyou are feeling stronger now? It's simple.You gave Me your burdens and I'm takingcare of them. I also renew your strengthand cover you in my peace. Don't youknow that if I give you these problems back,you will be right back where you started?Leave them with Me and forget aboutthem. Just let Me do my job.

5.* TALK TO ME*:I want you to forget a lot of things.Forget what was making you crazy.Forget the worry and the fretting becauseyou know I'm in control. But there's onething I pray you never forget. Please, don'tforget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU!I want to hear your voice. I want you toinclude Me in on the things going on in your life.I want to hear you talk about your friendsand family. Prayer is simply you havinga conversation with Me. I want to be yourdearest friend.

6. *HAVE FAITH:***I see a lot of things from up here that youcan't see from where you are. Have faith inMe that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me;you wouldn't want the view from My eyes.I will continue to care for you, watch over you,and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me.Although I have a much bigger task than you,it seems as if you have so much trouble justdoing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7.* SHARE:***You were taught to share when you wereonly two years old. When did you forget?That rule still applies. Share with those who areless fortunate than you. Share your joy withthose who need encouragement. Share yourlaughter with those who haven't heard any insuch a long time. Share your tears with thosewho have forgotten how to cry. Share your faithwith those who have none.

8. *BE PATIENT:***I managed to fix it so in just one lifetimeyou could have so many diverse experiences.You grow from a child to an adult, have children,change jobs many times, learn many trades,travel to so many places, meet thousandsof people, and experience so much. How canyou be so impatient then when it takes Mea little longer than you expect to handlesomething on My to-do-list? Trust in Mytiming, for My timing is perfect. Justbecause I created the entire universe inonly six days, everyone thinks I shouldalways rush, rush, rush.

9. *BE KIND:***Be kind to others, for I love them justas much as I love you. They may not dresslike you, or talk like you, or live the same wayyou do, but I still love you all. Please tryto get along, for My sake. I created eachof you different in some way. It would betoo boring if you were all identical.Please, know I love each of your differences.

10.* LOVE YOURSELF:***As much as I love you, how can you notlove yourself? You were created by me forone reason only -- to be loved, and to lovein return. I am a God of Love. Love Me.Love your neighbors. But also love yourself.It makes My heart ache when I see youso angry with yourself when things gowrong. You are very precious to me.Don't ever forget......

Updates to u all

2006-08-20T18:16:00.000+08:00

time for some updates. sorry for the lack of posts. been busy and was also too lazy to upload picture.lost for words for now too.

FROM SYDNEY

church building frm sydney

clock tower frm sydney

krispy kremes doughnut
FROM IDD

yummy lamb medallion frm IDD: International Dinner & Dance

strawberry chocolate mouse for dessert

me and snow

me and peiweon

supper at cybercity after IDD
FROM NATIONAL DAY CELEBRATION

Jared's baked pasta

My pork and chicken satay

derick's stir-fried beef

shumin's fried bee hoon

wanping's chicken curry

shumin n i

three of us
FROM THE FISHING TRIP AT REDCLIFF

jared n rover

wally with the fish

sunrise

sunrise again

rach n me

no time to describe what i have done. have to complete my assignment. meanwhile, i m remembering all of u and pressing on for nov to come soon! love u all!

National day-All red and white

2006-08-08T19:05:00.000+08:00

Life has been pretty much of a hectic rush ever since school started. And I was away during the hols so haven't got time to upload pictures from sydney. most frustrating of all is that blogger doesn't really support photo uploading so I had really little to share becos what i have to say are all recorded in photos, vivid and real in themselves.

tomorrow's my first national day away from sgp. will be gg over to david's place to celebrate national day tog with shumin,david, june, rachel, jared?? and i dunno who else. It's a pretty last minute, in-promptu thing. but i must be mad cos my sch ends late tmr and i still have to go home and prepare satay for the party. and i have tons of homework to do!!!but it's national day afterall, time to be a bit more patriotic now that we are away frm home.hopefully we can all watch the live- telcast on the web tog.

will be wearing red and white tmr. asking my frens to do the same too. haha...roar!

bro: happy birthday to u!u r my special boy born on national day!!!haha.hope that u'll enjoy yr day!sorry that i haven't got round to posting u yr card yet but i have bought bdae present for u alr. will try to call home if the party din end too late. love U!

Trying to Be there

2006-07-25T14:52:00.000+08:00

Trying To Be There

It's been a long time since I last blogged, isn't it? Even my flooble chatbox is gone and I dunno how to reinstate that so I shall just leave it as such. School just started yesterday and these past 2 days have been a blur for me. In fact, I think it is all the hassle of gg back to school again that got me so lost and confused and homesick.

I know that I haven't been doing much to keep up with people as well and that isn't good. I do wish I have more of myself to catch up with everyone but I am like this scattered fragmented person, trying to figure out how to live independently, trying to balance chores and housework and social life and everything else that anyone of you have to deal with.

I don't have much excuse to be away for so long but it's like at times I have so much to say that I dunno how to articulate myself and my thoughts. Everything gets so crammed up inside and sometimes, I don't even think I have half of myself in place anymore. All the mails to reply. All the friends I cherish. Why does it seem like I am always letting them slip by me? I don't want it to be so yet it seems to become more and more like it.

I used to make the effort to be in everyone's life. To take time to show love and concern to all my friends. But now I can only do that for a few people. Because it becomes draining to try to stay in touch when everything is on the go. It's like I am spinning round and round on this carousal that never seems to stop.

Forgive me if I have been an inadequate friend. I am trying my best to be there even though I always seem to be not around.

I hate losing people. especially friends who matter to me. it hurts because each of you are a cherished part of me and losing you is like drilling holes within me. I love all of you, whoever is reading this. Please understand. I can't wait to get home. It's just four more mths to go. Love all of you always.

some updates on a cold cold day

2006-06-03T14:42:00.000+08:00

its freezing out there now, being winter and all with temperature dropping to single digits. feels weird to be wrapped up in a thick winter jacket at home when i wld have been dressed casually in t-shirt and shorts back in sgp. i am frigid and cold....so numb....and still having exams to study for...anyway, i am sorry for the lack of updates dear friends.its really a mad rush trying to complete assignments and studying for exams....my exams only end on 22 june so i guess u all might not see my blog updated for an even longer time...

i think the cold is making me homesick but other than that, i am reasonably happy here except that i cant stop feeling domesticated and wanting to try new recipes which result in absurd stock-up on flour and sauces, but not food or clothes???!!!! sob...

but i did mange to buy some clothes frm harbourtown last time...21 bucks for a nike jacket...is it cheap???i dunno...ok anyway, just to show some proudly tried and tested recipes for recently:

muah chee!!!

grilled tearyali chicken rice with steamed veggy

other pictures:

2006-05-06T20:43:00.000+08:00

Went for this festival thingy at Southbank today and had vegetarian food for dinner. was pretty filling. and then we watched the firworks on display. wow...amazing...here are some pics frm tonight tt i wld like to share with u all...

Once, on the merry-go-round

2006-04-30T13:57:00.000+08:00

Once, on The Merry-Go-Round
It is strange how the silences of the days can fill me with so many emotions. Is it nostalgia or sadness that I am feeling now? I can't tell the difference between the two. I was reading through the blogs of some of my ex-classmates in JC and once again, the realisation that I have passed a big portion of my youth and is now hurtling towards the gates of adulthood hit me hard once again.

Once, we were all kids on the merry-go-round, moving towards wherever the world would take us. Our faces were flushed, radiant with joy, innocence and promise of a bright today and tomorrow. Then we moved from the merry-go-round to school: kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, junior college and now university. It seems like time is always pushing us along, never once stopping to let us catch a breath.

I am looking back down memory lane, to the time when I would go home and play masak-masak all by myself in a little corner at the room or with my siblings, to the time when I would piggy-back my brother back from school, to the time when I went out with my bro, holding his hand, calling him baby like as though he will never grow old. Sometimes I look at him now and wonder, where is the brother I have known? The one who would confide in me and look up to me with awe and respect.

Where is the brother who used to be motivated, who would compete with me to see who has done the most assessment books for the holidays? And I feel sad watching him being crushed by the world, by all its demands on him. It's like he never grew up well enough to take the weight of reality upon his back properly. And he is now struggling to understand. Being his sister I wish to help him find hope and joy again. I want him to love life, to sense a deeper meaning in his life. I feel that the answer for him is to know God but knowing how resistant he is, I can only pray and watch from afar.

And as I am writing all these right now, I feel an emptiness in me. Because there is no one I can talk to right now to share all these emotions with. I want to tell somebody who understands me, how I fear that I will lead my life without making a true imprint on another's life. When I knew that I couldn't study medicine, a part of me died because I won't be able to fulfil my dream of being a missionary doctor. So I told myself to look elsewhere for another dream, another hope, another place to fulfil my destiny, for surely God has something in store for me elsewhere in life. It is the frustration of not having someone who will always be there to listen that gets to me because there's always a limitation to how much burden and emotions one can bear alone.

I want to live like I am 20, not 30, 40 or 70. I want to be light and free again, just the way I was, once, on the merry-go-round.

The domesticated me cooking up a storm

2006-04-17T14:56:00.000+08:00

The Domesticated Me cooking up a storm

What I have been up to?

2006-04-11T17:09:00.000+08:00

What Have I Been Up To?
Just some random photos for sharing.

On the day it rained at Brisbane, a rainbow appeared over the horizon. June, my room mate saw it and told me about it. Wow! I have never see a rainbow before. Each time when a rainbow appears, it is said that the person who manage to see it will be blessed abundantly. Hmm...I suddenly rememeber that rainbows have a symbolic meaning in the Bible too. In Genesis 9:13, God had said to Noah that whenever a rainbow appears in the clouds, God will rememeber the everlasting convenant He made with Noah and all other animals, that never will He flood the lands of all the earth, never will He be angry with us again. Hallelujah! Thank God for the precious blood of Christ!

The rainbow is a bit faint in this picture but I do hope you all manage to see it too because I do so wish that all of you will be blessed ever so abundantly by God.

Next picture is the sunset at the Brisbane river over my balcony. I know that I have been sharing way too many pictures of the sunsets here but I just can't resist. It's so pretty. See the sky painted in hues of pink...sometimes the beauty of the world touches me so much that I wish to cry. It's lovely, isn't it?

A picture of me and my project partner Christy. She's from Hong Kong. Quite chio, don't you think? I look like an awkward ugly duckling next to her. Hmm...me and my low self-esteem again. haha...

I baked once again! This time I made egg tarts. It's really simple. You all can try from this recipe that I have gotten. It's nice but just don't add in the same amount of sugar as the recipe teaches you. Add in slightly less or it will be too sweet for Singaporean's taste. The Philadelphia cream cheese added in the crust gives a different kick to the entire tart. Not like the usual ones that we eat. My first attempt was ok except that there were not enough egg tarts to give around. i intended to make 12, one for everyone but it only yielded 6, so I am having a hard time now deciding whom to give to. Maybe I should just not eat my own share and give mine to someone else. Sigh. That happened for my apple crumble too. How come I am always not getting to eat the stuff that I baked? *Whines*

God is Good!

2006-04-06T11:22:00.000+08:00

God Is Good!!!

Yesterday night my ipod mini broke down, totally jammed and unresponsive to my clickings and cannot be connected to the computer at all! I was whining to my mum online about it and it's amazing that she told me to pray about it to my God, to God. And I did, wanting to put my 100% trust in Him. I placed my ipod mini under the Holy Bible, praying that it will exert power and control over the spoilt ipod mini and it worked! God answered my prayer and this morning I woke up to a restored ipod that is free from all "sickness and disease"!!! Won't you say "hallelujah" to that??? Praise the Lord! He is a God of all miracles!

I baked

2006-04-01T09:41:00.000+08:00

I BAKED!!!
This is my first baking attempt in Aussie: apple Cinnamon Crisp, may not look very presentable but it's nice! I baked it for cell on Friday:)

erractical updates

2006-03-23T20:45:00.000+08:00

taking a break now from studying for my psychology test this sat.so sad that i was bathing when my mum called me on tue night. cldn't talk to her on the phone. sis if u see this help me tell mum that i miss her and i love her. work load is piling up and i am struggling to understand muscles and how they work in the arm and forearm and hand now. i can make sense of bones and joints and nerves but muscles???

They really crack my head when I try to understand them . Pract for anat is tough cos there is no one to tell you what is right or wrong. you just have to figure out answers on your own and try to cheat the tutors( some are just yr 2 uni students in undergrad course too) to give us some answers. most of the time they seem uncertain too or else they will try to deflect your questions by counter-questioning you.

hmmm...so now my pract is filled with random guesses and inferences that i draw up myself. don't even know if they will be accepted at exams or not. so frustrating. other than that, everything else is fine. i love psychology. and the ot modules are fine too except tt my yr 1 coordinator has just quit and they are replacing her with another person. I do like her actually. got a shock when i heard tt she quit. hopefully the new tutor will be lenient in marking our assignments.

i am rambling, ain't i? it comes when you have to much to do. i think i have lost touch with my artsy self. no inspiration to paint, draw or write poems or prose anymore.it is just cooking, laundry, housework, schoolwork and entertainment now. keeps me away from thinking too much but losing sense of who am i maybe? i dunno if it's a gain or loss. it's just a matter of perspective.

photos for update...from 2 weeks ago since my birthday. random pictures, no order, no meaning...as you can see, i am really losing organisation in expressing thoughts and feelings. sound more like a robot. haha

PS: Sis, if you see this, pls tell mum to call me late on this sat/ sun night. cos sat got friend's bdae party. preferably can call me at sgp 9pm or 10pm, i shld be home then before 12 midnight. want to hear her voice so much! if call on sun shld be able to call earlier at ard sgp time 8pm or so.

Cyclone din reach brisbane but is causing shift in weather. getting cold, damp and rainy again. i have piled up on clothes just to stay warm. not eating much lately. sticking to sandwiches cos of the enormous loave of bread which i can't finish. but i managed to cook fried rice for dinner yesterday night. tastes good.

Picture from 10th March, friends came over to celebrate bdae for me

My friend took this shot of me wishing on my choc bdae cake(had 3 cakes this yr!)

This shot was taken from my balcony on on summer's evening

Large bowl of wanton noodles I ate at Jack's pot for $4.40

Lilian, esther and I at restaurant in city

City view

The World keeps revolving as we go

2006-03-16T15:26:00.000+08:00

The World Keeps Revolving As We Go

In the quiet of the night, when everything becomes really still, I begin to slow down and reflect on my loss and gain, joy and sadness over this one month since I have arrived in Brisbane. Indeed, being in a foreign land opens up so much more opportunites for me. I truly relish the brand new experience here and the amount of vibrancy and diversity I get exposed to. The air here feels fresher and the amount of freedom and independance I have here is alluring compared to Singapore. But yet, when everything slows down all at once, I know that there are some things that Australia cannot ever replace. There are some pain, loss and feelings that the excitement of living here can never erase.

I miss seeing my family and close friends. when you are alone in a foreign land, you realise that there are some things which you can only rely upon yourself to do. You cannot expect others to help you all the time because they have their own problems to solve as well. I want to be able to hold the hands of the people I love just as before but that seem so distant a possibility now. We have so much physical distance to overcome. And I realise that even as I type this blog entry, remembering and missing the things back at home, the world will just keep on revolving, as the way it was before, till forever and ever.

And what are the changes which i won't be able to witness? What are the experiences, thoughts and feelings of the people I deeply care for? Are they getting on well? Am I still remembered in their hearts? are they having fun. eating and sleeping well? These are some persistent questions that I randomly think of at different times of the day.

And one day, when I return, it will be one revolution of the earth around the Sun, and still the world keeps spinning on as I stand at this part of the globe, shouting with all I can muster in my heart that I MISS YOU ALL AND I LOVE YOU ALL SO SO MUCH!!!

In Love With Heaven

2006-03-10T22:37:00.000+08:00

In Love With Heaven

Went to Mt Coot-Ta with June, Sunita, Caitlyn and Becky on Wed night and enjoyed a spectacular view from the top of the mt.but best of all was dessert at milton's free style ice cream parlour after that. Here's a collection of the food we ordered tt makes the night most memorable for me!!!

Becky's Choice

Caitlyn's choice

Sunita's choice

My choice

June's choice

Other pics I wanna share are really pics of food i have been cooking for myself so far...haha...and i also wanna take u all thru some spectacular views frm my balcony etc. enjoy!

Me and Elisa at the Red Room
http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b108/shunwei_sg/beefhorfun.jpg
Beef Hor Fun(super oily and salty tt i only ate half and washed the rest in water to remove the oil) from Sunnybank, the place tt is more Chinatown than Chinatown
http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b108/shunwei_sg/myfirstpasta.jpg
The fucilli that I cooked with the sauce tt i prepared by myself...with garlic, onion, roma tomatoes, mushroom, sausage...not bad, quite nice...my culinary skills are improving!
http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b108/shunwei_sg/scones.jpg
scones with cream and jam eaten at mountville enroute to sunshine coast last week

The Herald of Autumn

2006-03-06T10:56:00.000+08:00

The Herald Of Autumn

The showers came pouring down over last week, with strong winds blowing everywhere; it heralds the beginning of autumn. Can't believe summer just slipped by and that I have already spent close to one month in a foreign land. Life here has been great except that I miss all my friends so much. Sorry to my darling friends like Val,Al, Tan, Nat, Bel, Cher etc for not being able to drop you all a personal note or email. Postage here is really quite expensive at AUD$1.20 each so I can't possibly post so many letters to you all. But what saddens me is that it only costs S$0.50 for you all to send me a letter or card in Aust but I haven't heard anything from u guys so far!!! Boo hoo...and what happened to you Val? I dun hear from u anymore? Nat and Cher... I miss u all badly too...

Some updates with my life thus far...

Last Thursday, Elisa from Ipswich visited us( she's a nursing scholar) and because she stays so far away and will not be able to visit for a long time, we agreed to going to Regatta boatshed(a pretty famous pub) with her despite the cold winds blowing and the rain and the odd hour and the fact that we had a 8am lecture the next morning. Had a strawberry juice drink instead of alcohol and we left about 1am plus. After that, the gang visited our house and had a wild time exclaiming about how good our house is etc etc...when they left, it was about 2am and then I had this minor dispute with June, my housemate, regarding the phone and Internet plan that we have taken up...took some time to clear the air and there after, we slept at ard 3am.

On Friday, after 2 consecutive lectures, we went to Sunnybank for some Chinese food. Ordered beef horfun which costs a freaking $7.90 but was extremely digusted by the saltiness and oiliness of the food. I packed away half of my meal because I could not finish my food. Then we left for home after shopping at Yuen's, a Chinese grocery store, which sells all the spices and sauces that I will definitely miss from home.

Then, on Saturday, I woke up at 6am in preparation for a day trip to Sunshine coast together with the CCM(Campus Christian Movement) people. It was a rather cold day to go to the beach really...but it was great fun! We had lunch of pies, scones, tarts and bread at Montville first before heading off to King's Beach or sth at Sunshine coast. Took lots of photos then but can't upload them just yet.

On Sunday, attended 2 church services...in the morning at Brisbane City Church and in the afternoon at Hope Brisbane church. Enjoyed both services tremendously but think I still prefer the sense of familiarity at the Asian backdrop of Hope Brisbane Church. Went home and had apples with yoghurt for dinner instead because I was too full from the sandwiches at church.

Think I am loving grocery shopping and cooking my meals...it's such great fun but quite a hassle when u have school work to catch up on...Already given lots of assignment and will be having an exam soon in less than 3 weeks away!

How are all of you? What is your life like now? I wish I can talk to every single one of you individually and catch up on your lives as well. I want to participate and be part of your life just like the way you all have been and will always be in my life. But I guess staying overseas is quite a worthwhile and enriching experience too. Just want you all to know that it does not matter where I am because a part of my heart will always be connected to all of you in Singapore, in Sydney, in London...anywhere.

I will be spending my very first birthday away from home this Friday and it kind of make me sad to learn that I won't be able to see all the people I love most in the world. I wonder if I will even feel excited about my birthday or not and will there be people celebrating for me at all...sigh...
and cher...the levis t-shirt u gave me is a bit small...can wear but i scared i look very mian qiang in it...how huh? i do so love it...aiyo...maybe i shld jian fei even more huh...haha

Summer goodbyes...and autumn loves...

random Post

2006-02-25T08:16:00.000+08:00

I AM BRAVE AND STRONG!!!

It has been 2 weeks since I last came to Aust. There has been lots of things going on here since but I haven't got a chance to keep u all updated with photos, blog updates or phone calls because I haven't managed to get our LAN line and internet up. but the telephone shld be up soon on Tue so by then i can randomly make some international calls back home cos calls via mobile is expensive.

I just went for cell group yesterday at someone's house. The cell group leader is a lovely, hospitable and friendly Italian lady called Mara. She has a very cute and beautiful daughter named Portia. Only 2 years old. Very sweet. Anyway,it was quite an interesting yet overwhelming experience to be at her cell group yest not just because it was the first time I truly attended cell but also because of the highly diverse groups of pple I am exposed to during cell.

There was this Persian lady, Siberian guy, Greek lady, Autralian, Indians and of course Singaporeans...really international kind of experience which I will never get to feel in Sgp. In the cell, I met this Indian lady who has been revived to life by Jesus during an operation on her kidneys. She had actually died for 4 min with all her vital signs down during that period. And according to her recount, she could see her body with all its nerves and muscles lying on the operating table as her soul left her body to travel to miles of golden lake (or was it river) where she saw Jesus. And Jesus gave her back her life. Some people who hear this might find it incredible and hard to believe. Even me as a Christian found it extraordinary. But I saw the lady and there she was, as good as new...really incredible!

Having lots of meetings with different Christian groups and attending many different churches over the weekend. The people there are all very friendly, warm and nice. really difficult to make a decision but I pray that God will grant me the wisdom to make the correct decision of which church to attend cos that will determine the rest of my spiritiual walk for the 4 years here.

My housmate june is a a very patient and tolerant person. Sometimes I get very irritable and petty but she always bears with me. really good to have her around and sometimes, she feels so much like family that I just subconsciously treat her a bit more "roughly" than other people. Ooops...hope she doesn't mind! And it was hilarious yesterday night cos she found 2 cockroaches flying into our house and was so scared to catch them on her own that she woke me up. I became a cockroach buster overnight! hahah...never was I so brave in my entire life! I caught the 2 pests using a plastic bag and I didn't scream! can yopun imagine??? Never have I NOT SCREAMED when I see any creepy crawlies around me....guess I was just trying to be brave for June's sake. well, I just got news that there's no tutorials for today so I only have one 2 hour lecture installed for me today! That leaves time for more things to be done!

To my darling mummy, daddy, sis and bro and yan and max...i LOVE YOU!!!

and i love all of you too my friends...a big hug to all of you!!! I dream about going back to Singapore every night such that I don't feel homesick at all in the day cos I am reunited with all of you every night in my sleep! I even dream of Al and Carol who are not even there in Sgp. I misss you all so so much! But I will be strong! yes!

From Down Under

2006-02-18T07:38:00.000+08:00

From Down Under

hey hey people

it is now 9.40am in brisbane australia...exactly one week after i touched down!isn't that amazing? i bet most of you are still lazing in bed now...cos i am like 2 hours ahead of the singapore time!
anyway, sorry for the lack of updates and pictures cos i haven't gotten any internet access yet at home and the school library is usually not accessible during the week...so now i am trying to type as much as i can on my blog in the school library before it closes later.

i have lots to say but first and most importantly, i wanna tell u all how much i miss all of you!i miss mum and dad and bro and sis and all my darling friends!

everything is super ex here...there's the summer sales gg on now and i feel so much like shopping but i can't cos i have to save the money for furnishing my house and getting hopusehold items like pans and woks and toilet paper etc etc! i have so much growing up to do, so much to learn from that it excites me!

btw, the sgp line tt i told u all abt might not work for a while, i lost the hi card and the value is low and cant be topped up. if u all dun mind the cost can always contact me at 0402189529...or just wait for me to get my lan line in aust so that i can call u all at lower rates.

sorry to all those pple whom i have not been contacting...really difficult to do things here without internet and phone...bear with me for the moment and i will get to u all asap ok?

cher, tina and yuli...i have got yr email but as time is short and rushed now...i have to put off yr reply for the while.hope u guys won't mind.but i greatly appreciate all yr concerns and i do so love all of you

btw, my aust add is 601/21 Patrick Lane Toowong, Queensland 4066...can write to me there too!i love getting handwritten letters...so much warmer to hear from you all through this method...wanted to write cards or letters to all of you back home too but haven't got time cos i am out the whole day travelling from places to places to get my houshold stuff and by night, i am too tired to think anymore.

its really quiet here at night after 5 or 6pm...very unlike sgp...haven't got to know the aust post system either so will have to put off the aust post thing for a while

my o week is starting tmr so prob wun be home much for the rest of nect week...

found a church to visit with my frens tmr...hope its good...

meanwhile, i pray for all of you to have health, love and peace in your life
take care!

Just a Note

2006-02-10T09:01:00.000+08:00

Just A Note...

Dear friends,

just want u all to take note that you all can send sms to me at the normal sgp rate to this no:93576521. But when i try to call or sms you all, i will most probably be using my australian line cos it might be cheaper. Thanks for the wonderful support.

And for those coming tonight at the airport, my flight details are SQ255, Terminal 2, checking in at ard 10pm but might go earlier. Will update you all once I've settled down in Australia. May the Lord bless all of you!

Love always,
shunz

Shots of us

2006-02-09T07:43:00.000+08:00

At The Playground
Feet And All-up in the air
The five of us
Val and Me
Hua and me

Have many more pictures to upload but blogger cannot accomodate so many so have to wait till next time. There is also a video clip of Tan proposing to Hua(or was it Nat?). Super funny. Anyway, looking at these photos, i realise my 2 front tooth are super big. Hmm...wonder if I can surgically correct it? haha. but for now, let me just try to figure out how to use Adobe photoshop so that I can make myself prettier in photos? hehe

Truly blessed and loved

2006-02-09T07:09:00.000+08:00

Truly Blessed and Loved

Wanted to jog for this morning to burn off the calories consumed last night but alas, it was raining at my place so here I am now, typing an entry to mark one of the most memorable night of my life thus far(of course I hope to have many more memorable nights to come!:P) Firstly, I really wanna thank all my wonderful friends for making me feel so cherished, blessed and loved.

To be honest, there was this period of time when I felt very emotionally insecure about my friends. Because I am so scared that I'll become a stranger in all your lives and that I will lose all of you. I don't want to be looking on from the other side of the glass, able to see but not hear, touch or smell you all. But I know from yesterday and from the many memories that we share that our friendships are eternal. And it will be your smiles, your love, your concern that will sustain me through my four years in Australia.

Special thanks to Val, Tan, Nat and Hua who took time off yesterday to cook the scrumilicious dinner for me. It's a pity that I have not taken pictures of the sphaghetti and soup but don't worry, the images of these loved-filled dishes are permanently etched in my mind! And I really enjoyed the crazy photo taking sessions we had yesterday night! Yes...I am sounding so not like me because I never liked taking pictures but I truly did yesterday. And I think it's all because of you all.

And all the wonderful messages that you all sent me, I am not deleting away. I want to store it forever if I can, taking them out to savour and relish when I am feeling tired or sad.

I have a lot left to be said but suddenly, words are not enough to express my thanks. I just want to let you all know that I truly love each and every of you and there is nothing in this world I would not do for you all. For you and a thousand times over. All of you.

I thank God for friends like all of you, ever so supportive and loving. Thank you

From A Third Eye's View

2006-02-08T10:28:00.000+08:00

From A Third Eye's View

She was surprised to hear from him, especially since it's been so long. He had not contacted her since Christmas. So how does he expect her to respond when she has already chosen to delete him from her memory? There was no palpitations of excitement upon hearing from him once more. Neither was there wild euphoria nor burning anger and hatred. Only indifference. And if she was to be honest, an irrepressible curiosity that seeks to learn about why he chose to absent himself from her life so long ago?

She used to have a lot of questions to ask him. But they do not matter anymore. Because she has already moved on and there was no looking back. The decision to erase his brief existence in her life was irreversible, absolute. If he thinks he can walk in and out of her life with ease, he is wrong. Is she being hard-hearted? But this is just survival. She is merely trying to protect herself from hurt. So it can't be wrong. Can it?

So goodbye to rose-tinted glasses. Goodbye to sweet delusions. She told herself to be stronge. And she will be.

Double Shots

2006-02-06T18:44:00.000+08:00

The Happy Couple
The Tan Sisters
Yuni and Huileng-hey!
Happy Family

The Sisters

Taking Shots

2006-02-05T09:23:00.000+08:00

Mahjong Day
The RJ Gang
Blurred Images
The Fake Couple
Smile!!!

Have been taking pictures with my camera...quite unlike me because if you all know me, i am super camera shy. and i still think i look very sucky in pictures, worse than in real life. but still, enjoy looking at the other gorgeous people sharing the picture with ugly me. Hahah...

Wanted to upload other pics as well...those with Cher and the TTSH gang but blogger didn't allow such a large amt of files.so will have to do so another post. sorry cher.

it's another 5 more days before i leave.quite exctied and nervous all the same.have to go church today, get my fringe trimmed, call up bbdc to ask abt membership and withdraw my money inside, buy adaptor, sunglasses?, sunblock, electric plug etc...and yes, to watch memoirs of a geisha!it's a super good story...frm the book i've read. just dunno how it'll be on screen

Have I Told You That I Love You?

2006-02-01T22:55:00.000+08:00

Have I Told You That I Love You?

I have been typing and deleting whatever that I have wrote here for the last 10 to 20 minutes. Because I can't find the right words to express myself. Because there are so many thoughts waiting to come out that they became jammed on the way from my heart to the brain. In the past few days and even weeks, a deafening absence echoes in my reletionships with so many people; from my family to friends and even God.

I have been fretting and fretting so much that I was not really present for anyone, in any place or time. I was busying myself over preparations for Australia. Over my driving test. Over spring cleaning. Over small minuscle things that I should have left aside so that I can find time to tell people that " I love you" right from the bottom of my heart. I was like Martha who busied herself over things when she could have rested at Jesus's feet to find peace in His teachings.

There are so many things that I have not bought nor packed. But this is secondary to the task of making sure that my family and friends know how much I treasure and love them. I have not visited Nat, Tan, Bel and Hua at NUS even though my house is just a stone's throw away. I have not treated my brother to a pre-army meal yet. I have not gone to V-Tea Room again with Val, Tan and Nat ever since last July. I have not completed writing the card to Carol and Al. Not to mention buying the stamps to post them. I have not called Cher to talk to her for a long time.I have not called up Wendy to visit Florence, Jo and all the OT people at TTSH ever since I quitted my work there. I have not met up with Grace and Steff as promised. The email from Andrew is still left unanswered. I have not seen much of my OP friends even though I promised that I will try to visit them.I have not saw Qinyi and Tina at all since 2 years ago. I have not treated Max to sakae sushi as promised.And where was the promised meeting between me and Yuli, whom I have not heard from since don't know when? And where is ZH and X who used to message me? Have they chosen to absent themselves from my life already? I haven't managed to watch a movie with Mum, do something with my family, persuade them to attend church service with me whatsoever. I have not visited my ex- tuition kids or called up to ask if they are coping and stuff as intended.

I have not been a good daughter, sister, teacher, friend and child of God, I sadly realise.

Before I even set foot on the plane, I feel as though I am already losing people. They slip past me like grains of sand held in hands too full, too greedy and eager to catch everything. But end up having nothing left at all.

I want to tell you all the I love you. but it is not enough. because love is not just a word. it is a way of living. only that i have not been making it my way of living these few weeks.

but i do, yes i do...i love you.all of you

The Tears Have All Dried Up

2006-01-27T16:19:00.000+08:00

The Tears Have All Dried Up

My heart and soul have been disconnected from each other. Now they are existing as separate entities, numb and oblivious to each other. I wish I can muster up some more tears now to wash away my pain and anger but my tears have all dried up. Because I know that out there, somewhere in this world, there are more people with pain more unimaginable than mine. Yet, they are still believing, hoping and persevering when all odds are against them.

What right do I have then, to speak of my pain? No, I am too ashamed to speak of it. I just wish I can forget. Forget that I failed my driving test again. Forget that I won't have a driving license to celebrate CNY with, nor bring to Australia with me. Forget that I spent close to $3000 on driving lessons that never got me to a pass. Forget that I met one of my worst nightmare who robbed me of the belief that goodness exist because of driving lessons.

I don't want to spend new year in tears. In regret. In anger. In all feeings negative and draining. It's just too much to bear. And my eyes are dry and red and sore from crying. Crying till the tears won't flow anymore. The tears have all dried up.

No. I won't let anything make me cry again. It is better to believe that every is for the worst in this world. Then I won't have anymore expectations. Then I can swallow all these failures and disappointments better. Sorry God. I do want to trust in Your blessings but maybe I can't anymore. Because it is easier when you don't believe in good things happening to you. To trust and be let down again and again is just too much for me to bear. My soul and my heart are no longer linked. Even if I have you in my soul, my heart no longer trust. It is made of flesh and too vulnerable. It is trying its best to preserve whatever is left of it. Please don't blame the heart. One day it might come back again. But not now. Not for a while.

Relooking At The Purpose Driven Life

2006-01-22T16:28:00.000+08:00

Relooking At The Purpose Driven Life
When I read the book " The Purpose Driven Life" in 2003, I started to think more seriously about my spiritual life with Jesus in it. And I had 5 areas of my spiritual life in mind:
1. Worship- through the act of loving God
2. Fellowship- through the act of loving each other
3. Discipleship-through the act of growing into maturity
4. Ministry-through the act of serving others
5. Mission-through the act of telling others the Good News about Jesus, His love for us, His sacrifice.

Now, at about 2 years from the time I completed reading the book and started to think more about God, I find that I have achieved little of what I have set out to do initially. Due to the weakness of my character I believe, and probably also the evils ploys of the devil, I frequently gave excuses for not fulfiling certain areas of developing and strengthening my relationship with God.

Although I do attend most Sunday services nowadays, there are certain days when I truly dread going to church, not just because of the distance I have to travel to get there or the long time spent queuing before the service starts...but because I have to attend church alone for most times ever since Al left for Australia. I knew that this was because i have not done much in developing the area of fellowship. I had always been shy when it comes to meeting strangers and mingling with new people for fear that I may seem like an intruder to cliques that were already formed long ago. Hence, even when Al was here, we stuck to our own comfort zones and did not go for the care group meetings which were supposed to help us integrate better into the church.

With Al gone, I stuck to attending services in New Creation Church instead of joining Val or my other Christian friends at their churches because I can feel a spiritual anointing there. In fact, it was the very same church where I got saved! Still, I realise that by not developing just one area of my spiritual life, which is fellowship, all other areas have been affected. Without fellow church friends to count on when my faith is weakened by external factors, I am unable to feel honest joy and trust in Jesus and His finished work at times. I know that Jesus is always present in me yet sometimes I don't feel Him and that's when loneliness and despair get to me. With that, the significance of my worship of God diminishes from time to time.

Without church friends to discuss God's love and teachings with, I felt no motivation to read the Bible or attend Bible study sessions. Without church friends to laugh and talk to, I have no incentive to serve in the Ministry even though I would very much like to. And without church friends for support, I am unable to get pass the negative thoughts that I have of myself and of life to bring out the best of what I know about Jesus. Hence, my blog seems to be clogged up with doom and gloom even though it was meant as an outlet for me to do my bit for evangelism/share the glory of God with others who care to hear.

When I reflect on on these areas that I have failed, I can't help but note that all aspects of my spiritual life are important and neglecting one area will eventually affect all other areas. And listening to Pastor Prince's sermons make me want to engage more and more of Jesus in my life for He is my shepherd and I will not be in want if He is constantly guiding me inside. I know I have to do something, act on the problem before it manifests into a full-blown disaster in my life. And because of this I see Australia as an opportunity for me to strengthen my relationship with God.

As Carol has said, being away from home causes one to lean more heavily upon God for support. I am actually quite excited by the prospects of joining OCF( Overseas Christian Fellowship) especially learning that some of the nice seniors whom I have gotten to know are also inside. It will not only be a great chance for me to network with other Christians studying overseas but also a chance for me to grow in fellowship with the rest.

Fortunately, quite a few of the other scholars going with me are also Christians, though from different denominations. And I feel blessed to be in the family of God because it is difficult to find such support elsewhere. Despite uncertainties of what I might be heading for in my next four years there, I am comforted by this verse:
" All things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."-Romans 8:28-

Praise God! Hallelujah!

faigue

2006-01-21T11:19:00.000+08:00

I really want to live one day without feeling this chronic fatigue drugging my mind. i am so very physically tired but i don't know why. ok. maybe this has to do with my insomnia and my waking up early. but i didn't even jogged today!i am just so overwhelmed by tiredness everyday. it sucks!i want to be full of life and to do things with vitality. but i just can't. at home and even outside, my mind is shutting down on me. i have no energy at all.

i pray that the Holy Spirit will quicken me and strengthen me. Pastor Prince said before that when your life is filled with the Holy Spirit, then you will find an abundance of energy everyday. It amazes me to see him always so full of energy despite having to serve in all four services on Sun, not to mention the Bible studies lessons on Thu and Fri. I am quite envious of people who can get so little sleep but still find the energy to do everything. I want to be like that too!!!

Perhaps I am getting tired because I haven't exactly been feeding on God's Word. And looking at my blog I guess i haven't been a very good testimony for Christ since i am always being so negative about things. Hmmm...what have I shared so far about Christ on this blog?Quite little I guess. I am not exactly someone who studies the Bible diligently everyday and prays hard for everything i do. so sometimes, i think i am rather lacking in that sense.

alright.with new year coming i am gg to get real busy. had a pair of heels in mind. prob gg to get them on mon after i go back to rj with bel darling. and then i still haven't watched memoirs of a geisha!i do so wanna watch that show! my bro is now in army...sign of his entry into true manhood???i do hope that he is getting along fine with his other peers in the army. we went kbox on thu with yan and max. had a great time there singing and dancing.i think the waiter and waitress there must be quite shocked to see us jumping/standing on their sofas.i was behaving like an idiot. haha.it's good to let go once in a while.alright.gtg.

Transient sadness

2006-01-16T14:17:00.000+08:00

To my dearest and most faithful readers, sorry for the lapse in my blog entry. My internet has been down for a week and hence, my brief absence from the cyber world. It's been a restless one week for me because there are just so many things to be settled before leaving for Australia. I am losing sleep at night because everytime as I am about to drift off, I will start worrying about what I have not done, my accomodation problem, my driving test, etc. And I feel so trapped inside but I can't name why.

The rain kept me home for most of last week. I only went out during the occasional breaks of sunshine. Had my hair done last Mon with Cher but I am beginning to regret it because my fringe grew back ever so fast that it looks no different now from before I cut it. I do want to look my best for CNY and also when I leave for Australia. But now, I am scared that my ugly curly hair will grow back even before anything else happens. It is frivolous of me to worry over such minute things but it is true that even the smallest things bug me nowadays. And then I am worrying about other superficial things like having pimples, putting on weight, looking fat...yadayadayada...It's as though the devil has planted this seed of awareness in me about the freak things that can happen in one's life and it's HORRIBLE. Because I feel so shallow. And also because I hate to be trapped by the fear of losing something.

You know, sometimes you could be enjoying God's blessing in your life without really noticing it. Then all of a sudden you become conscious of that blessing and start to guard it cautiously but end up losing it. Do you get one of these moments? Like maybe you could be feeling particularly happy about something but once you become aware of it, you fear losing it. And in the end, you really lose that happiness which you tried so hard to protect. It's agonising to lose something that way. And I have learnt that being more aware of your loss than your gain comes when you try to take over the control of your life from God.

And these days, I feel quite distant from God. Yesterday at church, I find that I could not really engage fully in a prayer with God because my heart is doubtful and troubled. I really wanted to believe and trust Him for His goodness. But when I look at my life and see the disappointments and problems scattering my life, I just could not ignore the pain they have inflicted on me. Pastor always told us that God wants the best for us and that He will give us more than what we ever ask for. But reality is never always that kind. What I don't understand is why things seem to get better when I believe the worst of them but gets worse when I believe the best of them. This goes against the flow of Bible teachings and of church teachings such that as I sat there listening to Pastor, I felt spritually dry. Like as though I have died inside and could see no light. At that point I was thinking if I believe in Jesus truly because I trust Him or because I have been lulled into the illusions of His miracles.

But I know at the end of all this struggle that I still believe in Him because I trust in His existence. At the end of the sermon, I felt recharged again by the Holy Spirit for His grace has touched my life and I know that as long as I chose to believe, He is always close to me. It's just that the world gets to me sometimes and I find alot of contradictions between teachings of God and teachings of the world. Once in a while, I allow myself to be sucked into the hurricane created by worldly values and hence, lose the peace that I have in Jesus. Like now.

Perhaps that also explains my numbness to alot of things. I used to be bothered by my father's indifference towards us, his children, but now I feel as though I no longer cared. Like as though his love does not matter anymore. Family life has always been fragmented for me since I was a child and this made me feel love and attention deprived. Unconsciously, I have been working so hard to earn his approval but it seems that no matter what I do, he will always have something to criticise about me. It irks me that he doesn't ever admit that he is wrong. And that he pushes the blame for my failures in life on the fact that I converted to become a Christian. When I greet him sometimes, he ignores me or grunts a rude reply. I don't talk about this often because it feels redundant and even shameful to be discussing this with others. But for now, I share it because it doesn't really matter what others will think of me anymore.

I feel like I am evolving slowly, day by day, into this stranger who shares my name but is not me. Just yesterday, I went shopping for 3 full hours all alone in Bugis when I would never ever do that in the past. And surprisingly, I enjoyed the freedom of shopping alone. There was no one pressing me to go home at a certain time. I was free to look at the things I wanted to see without having to care about others' feelings. I only stopped after I felt faint and exhausted. There was no craving for food even though I only had a piece of bread for lunch. At that moment, I felt that I was existing beyond my physical self. Like a spirit transcending the world without a care nor concern about others.

Perhaps I am just tired. Tired with caring about others' thoughts about me, tired of worrying over others' feelings and well-being. Tired of presenting my best to others. Tired of waiting for others' love and attention. Tired of standing by the sidelines. Tired of feeling plain and insignificant. Tired of trying to understand myself and others. Tired of guessing and planning. tired of being trapped by fears. Tired of just being me.

At times like this I wish I could rest eternally in Heaven with Him. But this is more like an impulsive thought rather than a suicidal thought. Because I know I have much to live for. And there will be alot of regrets if I were to leave the world now. I have not seen so much of the world and its beauty. Have not tasted the sweetest dew of life. Have not travelled much of the world. Have not done my part for my parents. Have not given my love to alot of people.

Yes, life is still lovely despite all things. The sad part is just transient. It will pass. And I do look forward to Australia.

Glorious Food

2006-01-07T14:41:00.000+08:00

Out of the courtesy of Val's present from Thailand, I painted my toe nails a gaudy blue!It looks a bit horrendous now due to my unskilled hands, which were obviously not trained for such tedious task as toe nail painting!!! And Tan has just moved into the halls today. Hope to visit her soon since she stays so near. We can meet more easily now: Val, me and Tan!Hurray to the threesome.

Was supposed to go MOS with Al and Tan yesterday night but I chickened out the last minute. Anyway, Tan had to do bidding for her modules and move in to the halls today so it was really quite troublesome to go to begin with. Al was quite right about me. I am just not suited for the night life. Try as I might, night clubs are definitely not my cup of tea. But I don't mind exploring it another time, like maybe when Al is back the next time. Perhaps I should come back in June too but I don't know if I should go on a road trip in Aussie and NZ instead.

And I tried making Jiaozi today! Haha. It was just a spontaneous idea that I had this morning. The filling was not bad since I followed the recipe and there was not much skills involved in preparing it. The bad part was just that I had to mince all the ingredients like garlic, onion, ginger, water chestnut...it nearly killed me. My hand was aching so badly after that. And then instead of buying the ready made dumpling skin, I decided to make it myself because it looks so interesting to be able to knead the dough and make my very own Jiaozi skin. My poor sis had to help me roll out the dough in the end because I started having gastric pain in the middle of it all. Some of the dumplings came out looking rather decent while the rest, erm...let's just say that they were edible. But definitely not presentable cos the skin got stuck together. Haha.

But... I ended up eating a lot more for lunch than I usually would because naturally i have to show some support for the food that I mad myself right? So proud of my mini "achievement" today! I think I will make siew mai the next time. Looks quite easy from the recipe that I obtained. But ask me to cook oversea, I think I'll rather eat bread, salad or cereal everyday. cooking is just too much of a hassle. Unless it's for special occasions, I don't think I will be cooking that much.

Think I am gg swimming late.Haven't jogged today cos I was very tired this morning. But my stomach feels queasy now. Maybe because I ate too much after starving for so long. Oh well. Will see how. :) gg to watch Before Sunrise again.

I love God

2006-01-04T22:31:00.000+08:00

Birds take flight in a flock. It is true. One moment they are all back to warm, tropical Singapore for the winter, the next moment they are all flying back. Al, Bo and Carol just came back for Christmas and New Year but very soon, they are all returning back to Aust and UK respectively for their studies. I haven't even really seen them yet. And there's only this little time to do so many things.

Meeting up with Al, Bo, Val and Tan for lunch tmr before both Al and Bo fly off. Going to meet Carol too because she will be leaving soon too. How I wish that I can stretch all my 24 hrs longer for them. And I will need to go TTSH tmr to fetch the tidbits I have asked Huileng to help me buy as well. Don't know how I am to manage. Oh well, I will try my best.

Watched Narnia today with Tan and the analogy to Biblical themes in the show was so strong that I couldn't help marveling once again at God's magnificent love for us. Jesus came from Heaven to Earth to save Mankind from the Law which was written so many thousand years ago in Moses's time. The devil has tried to use the Law repeatedly to tempt man into sin, by making it seem like it is impossible to find salvation since they will always be breaking one of the Ten Commandments. But God was there when the Law was written and He has already planned a beautiful yet heartbreaking way of salvation for us-to send Jesus to die for us. He set the Law so that through Jesus's death, we can see the sacrificial form of love that God has for us. And when the devil thought that hope was lost for mankind through Jesus's death, he made a huge mistake for through Jesus's sacrifice came salvation. It is by God's grace that we are able to enjoy the full rewards of Jesus sacrifice for us on the Cross. Jesus was resurrected from death and He will come again to drive out the devil. No more suffering, no more tears, no more pain. This is what we are promised in the Kingdom of God and I believe it to be so.

The above themes were explored subtly in Narnia, with Aslan the Lion being analogous to Jesus-gentle, forgiving, understanding, loving, magnificent and fearless. the White Witch is analogous to you know who. And in the show, the four children were referred to as "Your majeties" showing how much children are close to the heart of God and precious in the eyes of our Abba in Heaven. I wish I can retain the simplicity and pureness in my heart, like that of a child. So that I can stay as close to God too.

After movie, we had pizza at Delifrance. Yummy but fattening and super filling. had to skip dinner because of that. Now I must really watch it. 2 days of good food is no good to my dieting plans at all. And add Thu and Fri, I am soon a gone case. Alright, I shall just trust the Holy Spirit to guide me on what to eat and I trust that Jesus shall make me a healthy and slim individual. No fear for He is here. I Love You!

And talking to Tan really make me feel comforted. To know that I can be strong too. And that there will always be someone there to hold my hand. That I need not fear loneliness. Thank you Tan, you're the best!

Contradictions

2006-01-03T20:01:00.000+08:00

At the pool. Warm, glorious sunshine. But when I hit the water, brain-freezing cold struck me. Floating, with water covering my ears, blocking me from the sounds of the world. Everything was a void in the water for it is a soundless world. There were no voices, no music, no noise of any form. As though I am existing alone. Bliss in a strange new way. When I opened my eyes, I saw the sky in its vastness. The blue skies were dotted with white fluffy clouds today. It seems that you can appreciate the beauty of your surrounding better when everything is quiet, when no one is speaking.

There is this saying that you can feel lonely when even in a crowd. May I add here now that you can feel safe, warm and satisfied even when alone. Not that I am truly alone anyway. There were other people around me but in the world of water, it was just me. For I can hear no voices.

Have to suppress my cravings for sweet, sinful treats like chocolate and ice-cream. Even though I used to like them alot. Maybe I still do. But I have not tasted them properly for quite some time so if I forget, maybe I won't even crave for them anymore. It is the same with all things. If you have never known of something great and beautiful before then you will never feel that something is amiss from your life. Because it would not have existed for you.

Had dinner at Crystal Jade with Bro. We ordered La Mian, Xiao Long Bao and beef dumplings in soup. Yummilicious! But I could not finish my noodles so I got Bro to finish it up for me. Thank God for the message of the Holy Spirit in us. In the past I would have stuffed down all the food no matter how full I am out of guilt of wasting it, and yes, also out of greed sometimes. But now I can control myself and stop when necessary.

Life is moving slowly and yet, abit too quickly. Life is so full of contradictions, ain't it? Al will be gone tomorrow morning and I have only went out once with her since her return. I will miss her. It's time to start packing. It's time to go. Almost anyway.

Waiting

2006-01-02T18:06:00.000+08:00

It is spring. A new beginning. Yet, the air seems to have closed in around her, suffocating and agonising. She could not breathe from the tension that all the waiting has built up. What is most frustrating about her situation was that she did not know exactly what she was waiting for. She only wanted a conclusion to the whole thing, whether good or bad. Maybe that is due to the fact that she was only interested in the ending for every story, every movie, every show that she has ever watched or read.

Of course she knew that not every story has a happy ending. She has read too many of those fairytales like Cinderella, which made her realise that "happily ever after" is merely a lie for those who are too weak to face the harsh reality of life. Even if the ending has to be sad, she want to be allowed to grief for it and then move on with her life. But the waiting prevented her from true joy or grief. She does not have a reason to do either because without a definite ending, things are left open-ended, questions unanswered.

She could always stop the waiting by moving off, waiting for things, if they might, to catch up with her. Time is short, always, as an universal fact. Waiting only serves to further shorten it. And it causes the blossom to droop, wither then die. And finally, she had enough. She walked off after the last bit of snow has melted. It was no longer cold so she thinks, maybe I can do it alone. No more waiting.

Looking at 2005

2005-12-31T08:29:00.000+08:00

I don't know why but I have this terrible urge to cry. Could it be due to the fact that out of the 365 days of a year, I have already lived through 364 days and have only one day to decide how meaningful I can make 2005? I hope not. Though this year has been rather slack for me considering that I need not go to school, it has been a rather eventful one. Yes, I had spent most of my time working and all but it also gave me more time to spend with my friends, especially for the beginning and the end of this year.

Let's see what I have been doing with my life for 2005:
Jan-working my a** off in Isetan as a sales girl, 12pm to 9pm job, tiring...
Feb-slacking for CNY, springcleaning, eating and more eating sigh
Mar-Working at Incall as telemarketer with Al, collection of A-level results
Apr- Volunteer at TTSH, worrying over my future
May- Crashing blow to lifelong dream, still volunteering nonetheless
Jun- Volunteering at TTSH still and feeling drained suddenly, couldn't breathe, decided to accept scholarship
Jul-Started work at Pharmacy, horrible month of my life, still hurt and can't blog, started taking driving lessons, Al left for Aust
Aug-On road to recovery...got to make new friends at work, OBS with rest of MOH scholars
Sep-still working at pharmacy, still taking driving lessons and had alot of fun gg out with Cher, Carol left for UK
Oct-Everyone starts getting real busy a school, lonely, sad, bored cos Cher left work
Nov-had really good fun. also went beserk at work cos it was killing every living cells in me...I hate the feeling of being trapped!
Dec-finally left my work at TTSH, happy happy, shoppng frenzy and meeting up with friends, baking, cycling, movies, neo-print, feasting....u name it

But then...why am I feeling so miserable now that I can't put a name to my misery? I don't know. I feel that I have changed in the course of the year. The world is ugly and I have lost myself in its ugliness. I became less prudent with spending and perhaps, more superficial, materialistic and self-centred?And I don't want to be like that. I wish I can stay innocent and pure forever and not be lost to things like branded goods and looks and stuff. It is demeaning to the character. Perhaps it's because I am no longer expected by people surrounding me to be good and saintly, that's why I no longer feel the "saintly" vibes in me. I want to be generous and loving. I want to give as much as I can to others but yet, I hold back a little because I feel that no one appreciates it when you are too kind. It's as though being kind will cost you your dignity and pride because it seems like you value others more than they value you.

I have also lost people. People who used to be so much a part of my life. Don't wish to name them here but yes, I miss them all. It is strange because for friends who have gone overseas, I still know that our friendships remain as intact and as close as the day they left. But for some friends who are still here, in Sgp, sometimes they feel like a thousand miles away that I can't reach them no matter how far my hand tries to touch. I don't understand why must it be so. It is not with poignant sadness that I realise that they are gone in my life and may never ever return. It is more like a dull, aching sensation in my heart because somewhere, deep down inside, I knew that they will leave me someday. It's just that I can't believe what I've expected came true. I'm in shock and yes, in pain. But there is nothing I can do because that is the way of life. To lose people and find people. Over and over again. Threading that same pattern of gain and loss. Joy and grief. Love and hate. Birth and death.

I miss you, do you know that? Even if you can't hear me anymore. Even if it doesn't matter to you anymore. But I will let go. Because it is time. And I need to embrace the new year with new hopes.

Despite all things, i am glad that God's presene is ever so evident in my life. I can feel my life being touched and transformed by His miracles. I know it. For non-believers, even true miracles can seem like coincidences. But the miracles only exist when you have faith in their existence. If not, every good gift and blessing that God granted will only occur as mere coincidences all the time. True, God has "failed" me at times, especially at times when I seem to have needed Him most. At those low points in my life this year, I used to question Him' "Why the pain and suffering? Aren't all who believe in Jesus promised of bountiful blessings and no pain? Did I do something worng that make You leave me, forsake me?"

But I realise that God is a loving God, He never leaves nor forsake us. Though I still don't understand why I was made to undergo those "trials and tribulations" in my life this year, I know that God has something better and more beautiful planned for me. It takes time to accept that. And perhaps the sadness was meant to bring me closer to happiness. For sadness slows down time and enables me to focus on something less fleeting and ephemeral like euphoria. It brings me closer to the realisation of true joy that is emblazed in the heart, eternal and everlasting. Not affected by outside circumstances.

I pray for all my loved ones that 2006 will be a miracle itself. That it will give us the chance to be a blessing to those around us and also to let others be a blessing to ourselves. I pray that for 2006 will offer chances for some of us to find our smiles again. I pray that people lost can be found again. Love will infuse into the lives of all of us. And friendships will grow stronger. Family bonds tighter. Hopes more fulfilled. Less disappointments. More grace and abundance of good things in our lives. Past hurt and pain forgotten and forgiven. Relief from bondages of pride, prejudice, inferiority, greed, meaness, animousity, pessimism. Peace in our hearts to carry us through storms.

2005 may be a good year for some of us. Or it may not be. But it is definitely a year of wisdom added to our lives. For me, it is a year of rest and labour. A mixture of sweetness and bitterness. Like the aftertaste you get after drinking strong tea. Refreshing yet bitter at the same time.

Cheers to 2005. This will be my last entry of the year. See you next year, which is only tomorrow. I feel like going out for a drink tonight despite my disastrous attempt the last time we went to Indochine. But I have class gathering tmr so better not try. Hmm...but who knows?I might just go. To break record.

Welcome 2006.

Shopping is a sin

2005-12-29T18:22:00.000+08:00

People, I am telling all of you that shopping is INDEED a very sinful activity that you should avoid engaging in. I am so broke now that it aches to think about it. Haha.Maybe it's because I hardly spend money on shopping in the past and now that I have to break the record for Australia, it makes me feel all uneasy. Just went out with Belinda to look at the U.R.S warehouse sale but ended up buying lots of other stuff. Ridiculous!!!

Today I bought:
A blue 3/4 off-shoulder shirt, a FBT shorts which I asked Bel to help me buy but it is too exposed in my opinion, a Nike squeeze water bottle, chapstick, exfoliator, facial cleanser, bathroom scale...all these amount to $84! And guess what? This is not even shopping in Orchard where everything is super ex but it is in IMM! Can you imagine? I would never expect to spend so much in a heartland mall where everything is supposed to be cheaper.

And there is still so much more that I have not purchased from my shopping list!
Ahhhh....
I hate shopping!
Seriously I do!

Ok, have to sign documents and get my suitcase/luggage tmr.then make new specs as spare in Aust. Then need to make more contact lens to last me for a year in Aust.Still have to get more pants and probably one more jacket. Mum is offering to buy me my watch soon. Maybe I'll go get a nice book to read when I am bored in Aust too.

Sorry for boring all of you out with my rantings. I must be going mad. This seems like a rather pointless entry yet I'll post it out because not all thoughts can be shared. Not the ones I have now in my head anyway.

Bye people. Have fun for new year!

A promise for tomorrow

2005-12-27T10:43:00.000+08:00

It's the same streets we walked once again, on a clear, bright December afternoon.
But with Al and her familiar bubbly presence, things seem different. More lighted up. More alive. It's as though she hasn't gone away. All too soon, she'll be leaving once more. No more frenzy over shopping with her. No more Ya Kun kaya toast or Taiwan mee sua with her. Not for quite along time until we are both back in Singapore.

We may be going to Australia together but it is two different places, separated by miles that will need a long time to cross. Well, at least talking on the phone will be less of a difficulty since it will be much more affordable.

The Little Prince had said, ' You know, when one is sad, one can get to love the sunset.'

It has been a mystery to me, how beautiful things such as the sunset can cheer someone up when he is aching. Perhaps knowing sadness will bring us closer to happiness. For in sadness time slows down for us and we are more able to pause and appreciate simple delights around us. The beauty of nature sometimes make me ache, not with pain but with longing. Longing to freeze in that moment of glorious enjoyment and never come out of it.

Like now. The beauty of reunions and friendships make me want to freeze in this present moment forever. Because moving on will inevitably lead to certain losses. Losses which can never be replaced. But it is not possible to stay on the same spot all the time. Things will stale, not matter how lovely they are now. And if we do not move on, there will be less awareness of our blessings because there will be no room for comparison.

How strange it is to wake up one morning and remember that things have changed from your last waking moment. I will never be able to receive letters from Yuli and hear her address me as her best friend like she used to in the past. I will never be able to talk to Val on the phone and say good night like we used to in pri and sec school. I will never be able to listen to Siwei talk about Spike and his advances on her like I used to. I will not have Al hooking her arm into mine as we go shopping together as best friends, arm in arm. I will not have Bel to talk to in lectures when I am bored because we don't even attend school together now. I will not have Wing Lam or any of my other classmates calling me 'The Saint' and making me blush with that nickname anymore. Neither will I have Carol by my side to jog with me on the school track and pray with me before every exams. And I will not have Nat to count on for a cheery sms to brighten me on a lonely day. No Grace to remind me of the beauty in this world. Nor Cher to confide in when I am confused or doubtful. Nobody to promise me a lovely day on the beach or have a long walk with in the dark.

I cannot promise that I won't change either.
For the future is always uncertain.
It is not fair to promise and see the disappointment in all your eyes if I should return a changed person.
But at least I hope that all changes are for the better.
That I won't return back cynical or bitter.
I want to be alive with hope, peace, joy and love.
For all of you.
I will be.

Christmas Joy

2005-12-26T08:01:00.000+08:00

Almost forgot to share about yesterday. Church service was wonderful. I feel very blessed indeed by the sermon and all the festive songs. It's amazing how God plans our future for us. How He had given time for Joscelin Yeo (the national swimmer who's in our church) time to rest and excel. She was down with chicken pox during the 4th or 5th week to the SEA games, which was quite a bad timing since that was the time when training was the most vigorous.However, at the end of her illness, she found that she could swim much better than before!And she got the most gold medals at the SEA games and broke 2 of her own records set by herself when she was 20! Amazing how God uses rest to renew her strength. And all these were made possible because she felt loved by God, as she said so herself ytd on stage.

What can be more wonderful than to know that with God around, you can receive victory either way? When you expect sth or want to succeed in sth, you can expect God to be there whatever the results.

A late Merry Christmas to all.

Alrighty, gtg...gg out with Al later on.

sorry for the short post

Simple Days

2005-12-24T08:33:00.000+08:00

It's Christmas Eve. And it brings many sentiments back into my memory.
I can remember days of old, when we would be so excited because of the presents, good food, holiday programmes that await us for Christmas. And also the Christmas parties at Val's house. Times spent together with family and friends.

This year's Christmas will have a totally different and special meaning for me. Because it might be the last Christmas I might have here for four years if I couldn't make it back at this time of the year next year and so on. I am treasuring the simple moments of life and it is fulfiling for me to do all the things I used to do in the past with my family and friends with this brand new significance.

Like when I went KTV with my sis 2 weeks back, feeling that this might be one of the last few rare chances that I would get to really go out with her. And with my brother, to watch Pride and Prejudice together, just as the way we watched Phantom of the Opera last year. Accompanying my mother to the market, helping her carry the vegetables and meat that she bought, even though I'm still scared of the putrid smell of the unclean sewers in the wet market. Making sushi for my family to eat. Baking at Nat's house. Going out with WS and JY, having a meal with them, listening to their jokes. Acting silly with Tan, rare late night chats with her. KTV with Bel...Shopping frenzy with Val and Tan and even Weili...Jogging early in the morning...quiet and peaceful moments with Grace...going out with Lam and YF, enjoying their company...having lunch with Char and Huining....meeting up with Cher, long talks with her on the phone...

All these are simple things. True enough. But I may never get to do them for a long time. And I cherish all those times I have spent with you wonderful people these past 3 weeks. And there's still alot more to be done. A lot more that I wish to do.

It is funny how leaving for somewhere further than this small island of ours make everything seems larger in perspective. Small things become big things. Insignificant things become significant. And time seems so short, so precious.

Alright. Got to prepare pancakes for my brother before he wakes up. I do miss those days when we would specially walk to McDonald's to have hotcakes with Milo. I haven't had those for a long time because I don't want to burn extra calories on top of those that I have to lose now. Oh well, it doesn't matter. I am happy with my cereal:P

Food for thought

2005-12-21T08:47:00.000+08:00

Some food for thought.

Was watching a Jap drama yest night called Amazing Grace I think. In that show, there was a patient who was suffering from some tumerous growth in the oesophagous. When the first doctor, who's called Satomi examined the patient, he found that there were shadows found in the lungs of the patient, which suggested metastasis of the cancerous cells.

After referring the patient to the top-notch surgeon of the hospital, who is called Zaizen, Satomi suggested further tests to check if there has indeed been a metastasis before conducting the op to remove the tumourous growth in the patient's oesophagous. However, his suggestion was dismissed by Zaizen, who went ahead with the op because he was in a hurry to go overseas for some other matter. When the shadows persisted after the op, the MOs in charge treated it as post-op pneumonia under the instructions of Zaizen.

Because of this mis-diagnosis, proper treatment was not given to the patient and he died soon after. When the patient's family learned about the truth from Satomi, they were anguised because their loved one was denied the chance of survival. They decided to take Zaizen to court, despite the fact that their chances of winning he case is very slim since there are no obvious evidence the points towards Zaizen's mistake.

And Zaizen remained unapologetic and self-righteous throughout the whole affair. The hospital director made everyone cover up for Zaizen in an attempt to protect the reputation of the hopital. Everyone except Satomi submitted because they do not want this affair to affect their careers. Satomi felt bad for the patient's family. He decided to testify in court even though that would mean ruining his own career just as he was about to achieve some success in his medical research.

The whole situation presented in the show was all very true. In reality, people often have to make decisions like this, where they have to chose between their moral principles and personal success. This is even more so for doctors who have a higher chance of being presented with such moral dilemma.And sadly, most people ( not directing at the doctors) chose cowardice in the end because the consequences of standing up for your moral values are dire at times. Such is a world.

If you were presented with the same situation, what will you chose? You must remember, it's not simple to say that you can quit the hospital and find another job because your reputation will be ruined. Organisations will want cooperative individuals, not mavericks, who do only what they think right. I think I would be caught in a tight spot too.

Another food for thought.

Does talking about your vulnerabilities openly make you weaker or stronger? Some people prefer to keep to themselves and act happy in front of everyone else when they are actually troubled inside. They do so because they don't feel comfortable with showing their weak sides to other people. But they suffer inwardly because of that. Some people prefer to throw all their troubles out so that they can have someone to help them out, nvm about the vulnerability thing.

But I guess all these are up to the individual's choice. No one can say which is better really.

Alright. Am drained. Need to do some exercises already.

Ciao

Baking frenzy

2005-12-21T08:14:00.000+08:00

This is the first time I am uploading pictures on my blog...thank to some tips from Tan!Oh yeah!!!Haha...but the cameraphobic me has no photos of my own to post out, only this of my dearest An An and Xuan Xuan-the 2 kids that my mum help to take care of!They are sweet, aren't they? Love them so much

Anyway, I went to Nat's house yesterday to bake! It was great fun even though it was just the 2 of us cos Hua and Tan couldn't make it. We made green tea ice cream, caramel custard pudding and lemon tart. Surprisingly, the lemon tart turned out quite well save for the fact that the custard inside the crust is a little too sour because we added too much lemon juice! I was expecting something more disastrous to turn out but thankfully, it was ok!

All these baking, first at Cher's house then at Nat's house make me wish that my house oven was working. I want to be able to bake at home too!The last time it worked was when I baked the blueberry cobbler pie with JY and WS. That was how long ago!Like nearly 3 years now. I am so sad that I can't bake anymore. I do so want to make cookies, brownies, bread and cakes for people to eat. especially since it's Christmas and New Year and everything!Hmmph...I shall pester my mum to call the mechanic to fix the oven!

Ok, enough updates from my mundane life.

Will post a more meaningful entry.

Later

Ugly Singaporean

2005-12-15T18:45:00.000+08:00

When I reached Orchard at around 10.45am today, the streets were already filled with people carrying the distinctive Mango bags. The atmosphere was electrified by the excitement of the sale, which surprised me because I was never one who cared for sales-until now. When Val arrived with her 2 sisters in tow, we almost ran all the way to the Mango near Pacific Plaza. It was hilarious the way this sale brought out our ugly Singaporean side. We were so scared that all the good buys would be gone by the time we reach the shop. Half-laughing and half-running, we managed to get to the sales destination in one piece.

Haha...but the insides of the shop was not at peace at all! It was so chaotic and suffocating with the hords of people squeezing through, digging into piles and piles of fabric, which are in fact clothes, to find something that fits. Truly, I am amazed because I have never joined this kind of sale before, until today. It was both disturbing and exciting to be inside. The ugly side of human nature was all out on display and naturally, you have to try to adapt and survive in such a "dangerous" situation.

Here are some things I have learnt from today's experience:
1) Make sure you bring small bags that does not make you suspicious of theft
2) Lose a few inches here and there before the great sales if you want to be able to squeeze through the rest of the shoppers to get to your items.
3) Develop sharp eyesight/ bring your best reading glasses before you go for a sale so that you can pick out the treasures from all the junk
4) Being able to change outside the fitting room is a good skill to pick up because the queues for the fitting rooms will be super long at such times: learn how to change without exposing yourself
5) Bring a portable fitting room:a few friends with a big towel to cover you if you can, so that you don't have to wait so long for the changing room
6)wear skirts with elastic for easy removal and trying of bottoms
7) Don't be misled by the price tag, read it carefully first to see if you have gotten the digits right.
8) Be ready to starve after the sale. It is never as cheap as it seems.
9) Know what you want.Don't buy for the sake of buying something at a "cheaper" price.
10) Best to go other shops before that so that you can compare prices and quality of similar goods.

Haha.I find the whole affair so funny. Because the rest of the shops in Orchard were so empty as a result of the sale at Mango.

Oh my.and i think i better lock myself up at home for the next few days. It feels so sinful to be spending so much. I don't want to die of guilt.

I wish you peace, love and joy Tan. Haha.It was an attempt to make you puke.Anyway, get well soon.You looked pale just now.

deeper meaning

2005-12-14T15:15:00.000+08:00

I am becoming an insomniac nowadays because words keeping rolling about in my head whenever i lie in bed at night.perhaps it has something to do with the fact that i think too much at times.it is ok with work still going on because the fatigue fills in all other void.now that there's time to rest, my mind starts being too over active for me again.and each thought, each new revelations about life which i discover during the day threatens to explode like a series of fireworks in my head at night.it makes my head throb so.

i think i am beginning to understand why there is always this deep sense of disatisfaction within me, for most of the time anyway.because i am constantly seeking for the deeper meaning of things.like the way i had wanted to make my life happen, with the wild dream of being a missionary doctor. like the way i had high hopes and high expectations of my friends in the past.i used to believe that ultimate sacrifices for people, for things that you do make the friendship, the activity, the results, glimmer and shine with meaning.it seems to make the whole affair of things more noble.

but that came with a crashing blow this year.because giving your best doesn't necessarily mean having the best.

and i can see myself more clearly now, as the borrower of light.trying my best to please people.even at the expense of myself.there was once when making other people happy was my main focus in life.i would go through lengths to fulfil their requests, to do things the way they like it, even if that sapped alot of my energy away.i had thought of others' happiness as my own then.and nothing matters more.some people may chose to interprete this behaviour as a noble one.but i beg to differ.all these was actually born out of the selfish desire to want to make other people see me, take notice of me.it feels good to be able to hold someone's attention for a while. to feel significant because for most of my life, i was never someone whom others will take a look at twice.

how very vulnerable all these had made me.if not for God, I might still be stuck in the land of endless reproach, silently waiting for someone to pick me up and give me his/her approval.

Now that I have God's love, I can live more as myself. The mask that I wear, that nickname of being The Saint, I'm leaving them behind. Because I am just me. I want to find my own light and be loved for being the person I truly am, not just a perception/illusion of what others had of me.Can i just be that?

moving on to lighter topics, mango sale is on tmr! will be there with val and tan tmr!hope to get some good buys there even though my bank is already drying up with all my recent buys. but more importantly, tmr spells the chance to see 2 of my most favourite people again!

and nat, u are back from HK already right? Hehe...when are we gg to watch perhaps love tog?cos val will be leaving for thailand soon.on a missionary trip.And we haven't got hua's bdae present yet.or celebrated yet.

and cher, what are we baking on sat?blueberry cheesecake?does yr place there have the necessary ingredients?and are we still gg out with shin shin+zhiying and whoever else on fri?

okok.that was me being lazy to contact all of u via sms.so just tag me and i'll see yr replies.hehe

Christmas is near

2005-12-10T09:47:00.000+08:00

yesterday's shopping trip was one of the most successful ones i have ever had in a long time.
because i was determined to get stuff.
i knew i had to get sth and not just window shop.
the pressure to get stuff in preparation for Aust is great now wth only 2 mths to go.
i haven't got lotsa stuff yet.
but at least i managed to get 2 shirts and one long-sleeve yest.
Thank you val for being such a wonderful shopping partner.
i can't wait to go shopping again.
hmmm...but my bank acct is suffering a big hole becos of that.
nvm, that matter can wait for now.
i can't possibly go with a few shirts just cos i wanna save money right?
and Christmas is near.
i have to buy presents for pple.
ad write cards too.
already started on it.
so i may not blog for some time.
till then, hope all of you have fun and enjoy the good Christmas cheer!
love you!

remember me...just as i remember you

2005-12-09T10:24:00.000+08:00

these few days have been so blissful that it makes me afraid suddenly. Afraid to lose this peace, this happiness, this wholeness and completeness which i have not felt for a long time. i wake up everyday, to embrace and not dread the day. i am myself, without a care in the world. free and relaxed. there is no school nor work to weigh me down. only the unbearable lightness of being. i love that phrase. Living in such a haphazrd and careless sort of way makes me yearn for the life of a traveller. A lone traveller on a journey to nowhere in particular, with only the earth beneath his feet and the skies above his head for company. in my case, it's a her, a she. but as i have told a friend recently, this is all but a romantic and illogical idea that has sprung up from an idle mind. a mind that has long stopped thinking, memorising and reasoning.

amidst all the feelings of bliss, i mentioned a fear too right? A fear that is springing from within me as I cling on to my last 2 months in Sgp tightly. Too tightly. When I was in Sec 3, I wrote something which goes like this:
"Sometimes, I wish that I was an angel who pleaded with God to let me down to Earth to experience human life. Now I wish God will send me back to Heaven in the form of fairy dust that will send happiness to all the friends I love and treasure. That from the moment I turn into fairy dust, my brief existence will be wiped off from the minds of everyone. It is so beautifully sad but I would really love to disappear from the world this way, inflicting no pain on anyone."
I have said all these then, like as though i didn't mind being forgotten. but i do mind now. i do. because it hurts to be forgotten. i have grown selfish, i am afraid. but i want to be rememebered. for the joy i have brought, let's share it together. for the sorrow i have caused, let's share it together. if the pain and hurt becomes too heavy for us to bear, let me bear it alone. in the end, all i ask is that even if i may not be present, let me occupy a small space in the corner of your hearts.

remember me like the way i remember you all. it is not about the things that we have done together but the feelings we share when we do these things together.to me, the events that happen in my life are erasable, inconsequential...they fade away with time. only the feelings and thoughts that they evoke remain...telling me powerful truth about God, about people, about life.like when i think of Carol, i think of the relief of being able to confide everything to a friend, i think of a reassurance that comes with each prayer we shared. like when i think of Belinda, i think of the satisfaction of being able to sing to our hearts' content, the unabashed way we sing out of tune in each other's presence, the frankness and pureness of a friendship. and many many people too bring special thoughts and feelings to my heart as i recall about the things we have done together.

and for my family, i know that i will not forget them too. even though we hardly spend time together as a family, hardly exchanged any words, not to mention words of love and concern. even though sometimes we exist like strangers, living in the same house but in different spheres, spheres that will never intersect. it is true. what all the books have said. the power of blood is powerful. unlike friends, it does not need much maintenance. it does not require lavish form of love and concern. just simple simple ones will do.

went out with my bro on wed and sis on thu.it makes me realise something. the blood connection among us may be thin but it's still there.the unspoken concern, all hidden within small things that we do for each other. like how my bro offered to treat me to a drink, knowing that i'm broke. how my sis offered to treat me to ktv, knowing that i'm stingy with spending such money.we may not have alot to say.and when we try too hard to make the concern and love become words, we get on each other's nerves. so it is better for us to keep silent, to observe, to share in small ways without causing big waves in each other's lives.perhaps that's how you spell family. at least that's the way it is for my case.

guess what?i think i'm beginning to love forget-me-nots too, Cher.because that's the flower i want to remind you all of me.

ah yes, remember me.

Moving fast

2005-12-01T07:11:00.000+08:00

It's 7am in the morning, an odd hour to post a blog entry i know but i won't have time left this evening to do my blogging u see.

Can't believe it's 1st Dec, 2 more months and 10 more days before I leave Singapore. Yes dearies, my flight is on 10 Feb 2006, Friday and it's a night flight, like 12am???I hope to see you all there, truthfully. But if you all can't make it, it's also ok because I appreciate all your thoughts and love.

Time is moving so fast that I haven't really got a chance to breathe. really looking forward to these coming few days.
Tonight I'm meeting Cher, who has recently returned from HK. She has got Lao Po Bing for me...yum yum.Thanks dear.
Tomorrow I'm meeting Tan first then hopefully both Val and Tan can come to my house for a sleepover.
Then Sat I'm meeting Grace...we are gg to have some quiet time to chill out and talk. Yeapy!
And on Tue, it's K Lunch with my darling Bel!
And I hope there's so much more fun ahead with all my dears and darlings.
I can't wait.
And it's your company that I enjoy. Not the places we go, nor the food we eat.

I am so light now that I am ready to fly.

I can't pack your love away

2005-11-26T09:58:00.000+08:00

I was packing my room so that I can clear up some of my junk before I leave but I think I found more treasures than junk while packing.That's why I am typing here right now in the middle of a room that is in a highly catastrophic condition because I can't resist the urge to share with you all some of my thoughts and feelings.

There is this card from Val which says "I see the beauty in you" from Tasmania and in there, she wrote the most touching words that I can ever hear from someone.
" It's hard to see past physical beauty honestly, cuz we live in such a world.But many pple see the beauty in you,becuz it radiates from within you, & it's special cuz it glows shunz.This makes it so priceless.Pls remember that always,becuz it's important that U know: That pple do see the glow you radiate.And that alone, is beauty.

Keep in mind that somewhere, someone out there thinks U are beautiful.
I do.
Have the most blessed Christmas and I love you."

To think that I came close to losing such a wonderful person in my life this year! We have known each other for so long. Since Pri 4 and what happened during the earlier part of this year that made me feel like I have lost her I can't really recall and don't wish to remember.

And there are letters from Carol, Siwei, Al, Yuli...that make me feel so loved, so cherished.

It's amazing the way they touch my life and transform me.

Like for example, I was just feeling depressed recently about my driving test and other stuff which made me feel as though I am losing faith in God. But this lovely lovely friend of mine sent a strong and powerful reminder:Believe God for who HE IS not WHAT HE DOES. This really jerks me awake. So far, I have the tendency to blame God whenever things does not work out for me because I expect God to do things my way. I failed to see that God's work is always perfect and that although things may not be ideal for me now, they will all work out in the end.It takes time and patience to see His goodness, His miracles. Just today, I was randomly opening a gift box that I have left lying around somewhere and I found this pair of earrings which I thought I have lost forever. To think I have searched high and low for it before and it is now right here, before my very eyes. This helps me see that resting in Jesus is important because good things usuallly happen to you when you are not actively doing anything to find them or even earn them.

I did not go round searching for wonderful people like Val, Tan, Al, Carol, Nat, Bel, Cher, Char,Bo, Hua,Grace,Yuli...they came to me by God's grace.They are precious precious gifts that no one can replace.

And there are so many things that I wish to bring to Australia with me. They are things that cannot be packaged or stuffed into the luggage in anyway because the love, laughter and memories that I so cherish are just too much to be contained.

I love you. I love you. I love you. Even though these 3 three words are so over used. But I do mean them each time I say it. Haven't you felt it?

I love all of you.On earth and in heaven. As always.I do.

I just called...to say I love you

2005-11-20T18:12:00.000+08:00

No New Year's Day to celebrate
No chocolate covered candy hearts to give away
No first of spring
No song to sing
In fact here's just another ordinary day

No April rain
No flowers bloom
No wedding Saturday within the month of June
But what it is, is something true
Made up of these three words that I must say to you

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

No summer's high
No warm July
No harvest moon to light one tender August night
No autumn breeze
No falling leaves
Not even time for birds to fly to southern skies

No Libra sun
No Halloween
No giving thanks to all the Christmas joy you bring
But what it is, though old so new
To fill your heart like no three words could ever do

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care, I do
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care, I do
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart, of my heart,of my heart
I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care, I do
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart, of my heart,
baby of my heart

P.S: Send me this song ok?I love it.haha

a note to You

2005-11-19T21:08:00.000+08:00

sometimes i think that maybe it's because i haven't been good enough. that i don't deserve His love and favour upon me. maybe that's why He chose to bless other people and not me.

But...they say all are equal before Him.Unless they lied to me.

I promise to be good Lord.I promise. But I just can't take it anymore. I am not perfect. i can't force myself to be. I am not good. Not good enough to earn Your favour. Is that so?

love,
Your broken rag doll

Broken Rag Doll

2005-11-19T20:48:00.000+08:00

You taught me to hope, to expect unearned favour and grace upon me.
Yet, You didn't show me how to live through the pain when my hopes are crushed.

You taught me to love, to give my best and everything.
Yet, You didn't teach me how to be loved and cherished.

You taught me to be joyful, to be thankful for the miracles in my life.
Yet, You didn't teach me how to remember these miracles when darkness sets in.

You taught me to be faithful, to remember Your goodness in every day that passes.
Yet, You didn't teach me how to keep that faith from crumbling, each time the hurricane stirs.

You taught me to be patient, to await silently for wonders abound.
Yet, You didn't teach me how to contain my anger, frustrations and sorrows, each time they threaten to engulf.

I am not being fair when I say these words to You.
I know that, yes, I do.
But I can't help from hurting. Too much.
If only You didn't promise of good things to come.
I would have stopped expecting.
Maybe I knew long ago that diappointments are part and parcel of life.
But still, I lulled myself to listen to Your promise.
I count Your miracles and blessings to me, I really do.
I thank You for friends who care.
And still, You failed me when I need Your presence most.

I feel battered.
Trapped.
For I want to continue believing in You.
Even if it may all be a falsehood in the end.
Because I have no one else except You to lean upon.
And I can't turn back to where I used to be.
Before You've entered my heart.

How many storms are to come?
How many heartaches do I have to bear?
How many more failures will attack my faith?
How much more burden I have to bear?

I can't take it anymore.
Battered and bruised.
I feel like a broken rag doll.
Abandoned and lost.

P.S: Yes, in case you all are wondering...i failed my test and currently, there are no dates available for my retest before I leave for Aust. $2000 plus for a mistake is just too costly to bear.and maybe i am making a big deal out of a small thing.but i don't care.i have been let down too many times.i don't know where else i can stuff my anger now except here. Bear with me for a moment will You?let me have some time to cool down and stop tearing each time i think abt my test and the horrible tester i've gotten.

and it's not just the test.it's everything added up together since the day that I was conscious of my life and its meaning that makes me sad and disappointed. About Him. About His promise of miracles. I really prayed. I did.

His miracles

2005-11-14T21:45:00.000+08:00

they revived the phone.Thank God for that.

well, i think I am thankful to God for the changes that He has brought into my life.
i trust Him and His miracles.
Each day i must tell myself that i am righteous by faith and that all good things shall happen to me without any labour or effort on my part.
Thank You, Father.
and sometimes i really need to keep reminding myself of His goodness to me.
and the world is so full of light that I am ready to sing

...

2005-11-14T20:52:00.000+08:00

i just accidentally murdered my house phone just now.

i think my dad is gonna kill me for that.

sigh.

and i am confused.

ZZZZZZZ.....

Resting in His peace

2005-11-12T11:52:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to work for half day today but thanks to the inefficiency of a CERTAIN organisation...I lost some income by skipping work today so that I can spend time to settle some impt admin stuff for my studies. It's really frustrating to dial the same number time and time again only to be replied by the voice mail system. After enduring the procedure of having to speak like an idiot into the phone to leave behind a msg, the worst thing happens when the person does not bother checking his mail box and does not reply yr voice mail.Panic strikes and anxiety sets in and a million questions raced through my mind.

What if my application was not sent out just like Esther's? What if I don't get my confirmation of enrolment and end up with no place to study? I felt so helpless because no one @idp responded to my calls. I was all prepared to go down there personally today but thankfully, I called before going and found out that my letter has been sent and all. Thank God for everything!But all my previous troubles and worries could be saved if only they bothered to answer my call and if only they didn't commit that mistake with Esther's application form which earned my distrust for them. Now I am also left to worry if I will even get on-campus accomodation there but all these I'll leave in the hands of God for I trust that by His grace, all will work out well for me. So I shall just rest in Him.

Had a good chat online with Carol last night. It was really rare for me to talk to her ever since she left for UK. Then I was telling her about my fears, about how I find it difficult to totally commit myself in God's hands sometimes because of past hurts and disappointments, how I fear losing God sometimes because I find it tough to believe that His goodness is all for me. And she told me that it is true that hoping and losing Him because your prayers seem unanswered can be scary but the other path is just as scary. The thought of not being able to hope, not being able to have complete trust and faith in Him is just as fearful. She told me that we should just commit ourselves in His hands and trust that He will pick us up again each time when we fall. I really felt enlightened by her words and somehow, things don't seem so dark anymore. She told me to remember each time when God created a miracle for me so that I can draw my strength from these evidence of His presence and looking back, I can really feel His love for me. Esp when He has let me meet all the wonderful and lovely people in my life.

Talking to her make me feel like I have lost alot in the past one year. I am missing alot of people. It seems that the older we grow, the faster the globe spins and we are all like drifters, sometimes near, sometimes far.

And I think I do love my family alot. Even though we never ever show open acts of affection for each other. It's strange the way we scream and shout at each other. The way we fought and quarelled over the smallest, most petty things. The way we laugh at each other. The way we can just be ourselves with each other. It's only with family that you get such privillege of being just youself, not anybody else. You can be a total beast about certain things and they will still forgive and forget all the same. I will miss them when I go.

I hope I can 100% myself with the one I love and be loved all the same.:)

Indian cultural exposure

2005-11-10T22:14:00.000+08:00

Went to this Indian restaurant called Annalakshmi with Cher and Char this evening. It is those kind of restaurant where u just pay the amt u think the food is worth without a definite price list as it is part of some charity thing. While some people might think that's cool, I think I still prefer a restaurant where all the prices of the food are stated. Somehow it eats into my conscience if i pay too little for the food, and yet, i don't want to be spending so much on foos that only tastes so so. When we went there, we were the only customer ard and because of the decor of the place, which was full of Hindu idols and stuff, we were kind of spooked out. I really don't want to go back there anymore. and the food just tastes normal, at least to me.there's no cheese in the cheese naan...sad...maybe too many people have cheated them by paying too little so they are cutting down on the ingredients too???haha...i don't know

anyway...was too tired to talk so cher as the usual chatterbox did the entertaining.thanks girl.haha...and she's so cute...gave me a toilet paper written note.haha

many things i wanna say...abt tue as well...but then again, tt can wait.

i m too tired to think properly

night

Black and Golden: The Tiger I am

2005-11-05T13:00:00.000+08:00

A tiger is gold and black because it has two ways, as proclaimed in the book called "The Joy Luck Club". The gold side leaps with its fierce heart. The black side stands still with cunning, hiding its gold between trees, seeing and not being seen, waiting patiently for things to come.

I was born a tiger; supposedly wild, free-spirited, bold and out-spoken. But I am none of those; at least not outwardly to others who know me.Yet deep down inside, I know I have the spirit of a tiger hidden in me. Maybe I am not ambitious in the sense that I do not crave for things like wealth and fame but I do know that I want to be different, to be extraordinary.

I dread the mundane life of a 9 to 5 job. I hate the routine of waking up to a life where everything has been planned and where each minute drags on like an eternity without any vibrance or meaning. I hate to be one of those faces on buses and trains; one of those millions of people who reach the same destinations everyday, whose destination no one else cares for. I fear becoming one of those people whose existence doesn't make an impact even to the space that they occupy. Whose absence can be tolerated and even ignored.

Maybe it is the accumulation of all these feelings that make me feel like striving for the best I can achieve since young. I am not one of those outstanding talents with a sharp wit that can draw the attention of people. Neither am i one of those ravishing beauties who gain the favour of others readily wherever they went. So I am like the tiger who uses more of its black side; silently waiting among the shadows, working hard and waiting for good things to come.

When he told me that becoming an OT is way below my standard considering my grades, i felt offended. Pained even. I thought that I have gotten past that. Gotten past all that feelings of feeling cheated for my hard work. For living like a fool, giving up the chance to play, to enjoy and even to love. And once again, it seems as though my life is a joke and i am suddenly afraid. Afraid that i cannot move on. Where do I find the strength and courage to live my life? My life of being ordinary.

My golden side has not yet emerged so far in all my 19 years of life. There's not much of a particularly glorious moment I can remember from my life and I catch myself asking this," Is that it? Is that all you can ever amount to?" Maybe my golden side may never come forth and i will continue living life as meek, docile and plain old me.

I try not to hurt. To focus on other things to live for. But maybe the wound has cut too deep to be forgotten.

Too deep.

Changes and Upcomings

2005-11-03T08:04:00.000+08:00

I actually had a long post on mon.supposed to be a depressing post but it didn't get published for some reason. Maybe it's God way of saying that I shouldn't be thinking of negative stuff that may also affect other people's mood?Haha...

Anyway, I was supposed to wake up early to jog today and I did wake up at 6.30am only to find it raining heavily outside my house and so I went back to sleep till 7am and couldn't get back to sleep after that.

On Sun I did my hair.Supposed to feel better about myself.Cher said I looked very nice. But I wasn't too sure abt it myself.

On Monday pple noticed changes and some gave positive comments abt it but I felt empty.

On Tue it was bliss.It was different from most things I wld have done and I appreciated the effort spent in planning things out. Thank you even though you won't be seeing this post.

On Wed it was expectancy of tomorrow.work was manageable but dull. I wished cher was there to add some colours to my life there. saw her later in the evening.she has great hair now!

And today it's a mystery.

And everyday is so full of wonderful surprises which I thank God fervently for. It's a beautiful thing to be alive.

I am trying my best to hold back. Trying hard to stop imagining beautiful pictures and plan out things. Because too many expectations can lead to disppointments and grief. I know that all too well. Don't want to subject myself to hurt. I just pray that God will keep me safe in His arms and that everything can take one step at a time, because God has told us not to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. I want to live the moment for now.

And it's official. I'll be ending work in 2 Dec 2005, just in time for all my lovely lovely friends who will be having their holidays.

I can't wait.

I can't wait to be with all of you.

randomness

2005-10-29T17:42:00.000+08:00

I am suffocating at work. It's been a mental torture for me these past few days with all the heavy workload and no Cheryl to talk to for destressing. It's not that I do not enjoy the company of other temp staff but they are all so busy as well. there's absolutely no time for relaxing. I am seriously thinking of quitting by end of this month or I'll really go mad. seriously mad.

I have alot to say.

Yet suddenly I run out of words to say.

Saying things out might make things worse.

sometimes it is best to keep my silence.

Thank God!

2005-10-24T20:06:00.000+08:00

sometimes i think i cannot thank God enough for His blessings upon me.
It is such a wondrous feeling to be loved by Him.
To know that sucha perfect love can exist.
and to know that He has me in mind for all the lovely things in the world.
Pastor Mark said that if God sees you as beautiful and unique and perfect in His eyes then you are because what God sees is the truth. So I claim in the name of Jesus that I am perfect, beautiful and unique. Thank God for that!
i am feeling so blessed now.
enough said.

to my friends

2005-10-23T08:20:00.000+08:00

i need to say sorry to a dear friend of mine: nat
sorry nat for missing u out in the list of appreciation
u are dearly missed and not forgotten
i love you and i have enjoyed myself with u all last night
hope that we can get more chances to meet up like tt next time
i miss the old scgs days
we were all so happy together
haha
if no one wanna "les" with u then i "les" with u la
haha
but i think u deserve a good guy, someone better than him
take care darling
jiayou for yr projects and remember to "jio" me to go baking at yr house!

and to tan.u rock!
haha...so gu niang now surely all the guys will fall at yr feet!
but please la.dun talk like ah lian leh.very loud...all the guys will be scared of u.
but i like the way u are.haha.it's comfortable being ard with u.
u are unique and special.let no one change that about u.
love u darling.thanks for the email.sorry got no time to reply just yet.
and will get yr bdae present soon.after i am out of my financial crisis.haha

val dearie.how are you?u were dearly missed last night.
hope u are getting better. May the Lord help u through yr projects. dun stress ok?
wish i cld help u but there's little i can do for u too except to offer u comfort when u need some.
can always call me when u need someone to talk to ok?
lets go ice-skating after yr projects end.
i do miss ice-skating
and i miss u too

dearest al.are u enjoying yrself right now with yr sis and grandma?
help me send my regards to yr grandma.she's such a dear to be ard with. and are u happy in yr new house?haha.dun get too worked up abt housework.
we all have to learn to be strong and independent one day so now is just yr time.if i ever come sydney to visit u, i can help u out in toilet cleaing, wiping windows and blah blah blah.i miss hearing yr voice.
if i wanna send sth to u, where shld i mail it to?was it the addy u gave me last time?do reply by tagging or sth.
i love u.

and to carol. i wonder if u still read my blog. how are u getting on? did u manage to sign up for a sport in uk? it must be tough fitting in among the Caucasians but I am sure that you'll manage beautifully eventually.i miss u alot. is it cold there in london?have u been doing any sight-seeing?wished tt u keep a blog too. at least i can be updated on what's gg on in yr life.do tag if u ever read this post ok?take care!

So You would come

2005-10-22T07:50:00.000+08:00

Before the world begin
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
is precious in His eyes
because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done so you would come

Nothing you can do
can make Him love you more
and nothing that you've done
can make Him close the door
because of His great love
He gave His only Son
and everything was done
so you would come

Come to the Father
though your gift is small
broken hearts
broken minds
He will take them all
the power of the Word
the power of His blood
and everything was done so you would come

nth u can do
can make Him love u more
and nth tt u've done
can make Him close the door
oh because of His great love
He gave His only Son
everything was done
so you wld come

come to the Father
though yr gift is small
broken hearts
broken minds
He will take them all
the power of the Word
the power of His blood
and everything was done
so u wld come

Black and white kinda life

2005-10-16T19:07:00.000+08:00

The routine of my life gets to me sometimes...it plays over and over again each week like an ancient black and white movie and in the midst of it, I lose myself...I can no longer see, hear, smell nor touch. I am oblivious to my surroundings and in the midst of it, I find some things to crap about. Some reasons to justify why my life can also be "excting" through the small, insignificant things that happen to me:

1) I met a pervert on my way home from the mrt station yesterday. He was in a pink T-shirt and looked slightly deranged when he approached me from the opposite direction. At first I thought he was just crazy because he was mumbling to himself then suddenly he looked up and asked me, " Have you tried sex on the table?" I was so extemely disgusted that I gave him the "death stare", hoping that it looked like one and walked off in a hurry. As I neared my block, I realised that he was stalking me and he started saying some very vulgar things to me which I would not even want to mention here lest it sounds too R-rated. I was so scared that I ran all the way home. haha...wished I had given him 2 tight slaps across the face and a kick at the groin before I ran away. But oh well, I was never the brave one. So I chose to defend instead of attack.Haha. Be careful ladies...of walking home alone:)

2) I saw my ex-colleague today at Isetan while shopping with cheryl. and she nearly cldn't recognise me. Why? Because I've grown prettier? Of course not! She said I grew fatter...in the face and my body too...those condemning words:"fei"crushed me so totally!It's not even "pang" but it's "fei" and "fei" is the word to describe fats on pigs not on humans!!!!!!!
I am so so soX 1 million, billion, trillion sad now that I can't eat( which is good of course since I am trying to lose weight)AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!I hate myself for being a fat loser!

3) As I was saying, the fat comment really eats into my already LOW LOW self-esteem and so I alighted 4 bus stops before my home and walked home instead just now. It was drizzling and all and I did not even open my umbrella cos I think it's time I shld fall sick to lose some weight. Am I sick in the head? i think I am too...haha

4) And because of the fat comment, I think I shld just drink 1 cup of milo before work everyday instead of taking my oatmeal cereal and instead of drinking one cup of oatmeal and eating 1 slice of fruit for lunch...I shld just eat 1 slice of fruit then go walking ard during lunch time. And for dinner...instead of having 2 spoons of rice with lotsa veggy and some meat...I shld go meatless and only eat my 2 servings of veggy and 1 spoon of rice for decoration.Hahahaahh...and can u believe it? I am feeling ridiculous even as I type all these down cos I know my mind will break, crumble and fall without food or rather with such pathetic amt of food. But still...it's worth trying right?

5) Other than that, I shall wake up at 6.15am every morning and exercise for 45 min before I go to work.pick up salsa dance, learn a sport, jump, hop, cycle, swim...anything under the sun that can promise weight loss...I'll do it. Maybe food poisoning?lose weight thru that????

6)What else can happen in my life? Maybe I can go missing and go back packing on my own...span the globe, return a different person...maybe I can recite poems in the park, sing a song for the birds to hear, camp under the moon and stars, jump into the sea for a swim, love life, hate life...be myself....transform to a bird that flies, carefree and light

If i dream abit, the monotonous balck and white tv screen that features my life flickers a bit...and the colours will fill the images in...if i dare to live my dreams

i love...

2005-10-14T21:55:00.000+08:00

i love my mama
i love my jie jie and di di
i love my cousins lao yan zi and max
i love my bolster and pillows: I have 3 on my bed!
i love my friends
i love pancakes with maple syrup
i love mee jiam kueh
i love sweet movies
i love sad stories
i love milo
i love an an and xuan xuan
i love sad, slow songs
i love songs of worship
i love melancholic guys
i love rainy nights
i love brownies
i love chocolate cookies
i love life

Being Thankful

2005-10-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how little children react to the sights and sounds around them. They are forever filled with wonder and surprise about the world, they appreciate the beauty of small, simple things and are able to see beyond the surface of things. Perhaps it's this touch of simplicity that we need in our life, this constant gratitude over the things that we have taken for granted over the years in order for us to feel happy.

Sunday's sermon talked about how to be thankful for whatever little we have; when we are filled with appreciation for what we have, we will feel rich with blessings and indeed, our blessings will multiply for God has shown His favour on us ( dew from heaven) and with that comes worldly blessings ( fatness of the earth). I think it is indeed true that having this constant attitude of thankfulness will actually make one joyful, contented and blessed.

I am thankful because I have the love of God, manifested by Jesus's sacrifice for me on the cross.

I am thankful because I am living in Singapore, though small and yes...at times boring and restrictive, but at least safe and prosperous, harmonious and peaceful.

I am thankful because my family is complete; I have both parents and I have siblings to depend on even though we may not be the most close-knitted of family. I am thankful for a father who does care for us in his own subtle way even he is a man of few words. I am thankful for a lenient mother who does not mind waking up to cook for me early in the morning. I am thankful for a sister whom I can depend on from time to time, someone whom I can quarrel with yet still seek for advice. I am thankful for a brother whom I can tease and bully;someone who makes me laugh, cry and shout.

I am thankful for my friends; all so supportive and loving. They fill my life with the most beautiful memories.

There's Val whom I have known for almost my entire life; the girl who watched me through the years when I was blur, silly and idiotic. The friend whom I took my first neo-print with, the friend who always welcomes me to her home. The friend whom I have cried over a countless times and laugh together with for even more times. The friend who always sees the good and beautiful things about me; who reassures me each time I feel small and insignificant.

There's Tan who teach me how to relax and enjoy life.Who always makes me feel comfortable and uplifted whenever I am with her. The person whom I could not fathom, the person who makes me see things anew. The person whom I drown my sorrows with the day I was crushed by the news tt I did not get into medicine. The friend I count on for fashion advice, the friend who does not say much yet does alot for me through her actions.

There's Al who makes me smile just to think about her;sharp, high-pitched voice, her obession with shopping, and her habitual lateness and her perpetual misconception that I am IN LOVE with her.Haha...yeah al, I am in love with you! aren't you shocked?haha.like real.I love her for her silliness, her ability to make me see the brighter side if things, her honesty and her loyalty to her friends. She's the friend I miss seeing now cos it has been like 3 mths plus since she left for aust.

There's Carol who plays a special role in my spiritual growth. She was the one who counselled me when I was uncertain about my realtionship with God, the person whom I jog with everytime before our 's' paper sessions. She encouraged me when I was down and cheered me on in the things I do. She's the one who prayed with me everytime before our a-levels papers, the person whom I sought for comfort when I am depressed and the person who celebrated with me when we finished our exams during those 2 years in RJ.

There's Belinda who sat with me during lectures throughout J2, the person who don't mind my silliness, who bears with my falling asleep during lectures. The friend whom I share jokes with and the person whom I can always tease: abt CM.The person whom I consult when I am uncertain abt chem, driving, etc etc.The friend whom I can always count on for a KTV session at K Box.haha...

There's Grace who helps me see true beauty through her gentleness, kindness and generousity.Her ability to forgive and to believe touches my heart. The friend whom I have sat with for lectures throughout J1, the person who bears with the wrong notes I play during guitar sessions. I owe alot to her; many unspoken words and a big hug to let her know that though we may not be in constant contact, I still care for her and love her alot.

There's Yuli whom I can always count on to share my sentiments about voulunteering, about people, about the things we like or enjoy doing. reading her blog and comparing it with the letters that she wrote to me last time, I see the same old girl and also a new person, alive, inspired and spirited. She enjoys her peace once in a while and yet, she is outgoing when around with friends. We are so alike yet different. She is the patient optimist who teaches me to see the good of things and I am thankful for that.

There's Cheryl who makes me look forward to each day at work, who brightens up my day and make my work less gloomy. She makes me laugh with her jokes and crazy sense of humour. With her I am more light-hearted, more crazy, more free-spirited than before. together we share our complaints about our work, plans to diet and exercise further, to buy beads and start up a mini-jewellery together, pig-out at eating places etc.

There are so many other people who added colours to my life, people who I will always cherish even though we share little words. I can't possibly list all of them out but I do love them so much.

I am thankful that the sky is blue, not permanently black or grey or red or green...I am thankful that birds sing in the morning but rest their voices at night, I am thankful that the trees provide shade as I walk along the pavement, thankful for the clean water that springs forth everytime I turn on the tap. I am thankful for my bolster and pillow, even though it stinks of my saliva. And I am thankful that I am healthy and not sick with incurable chronic diseases.

I am thankful for so many things that I feel rich. So rich that I wish to give some of my riches to the world. To share my blessings with them. And I know that God will bless me with so much more.

And...

Thank you for reading this lengthy entry. Haha

To the unknown dear you...

2005-10-07T22:13:00.000+08:00

Sorting through my pile of old stuff, I found this photocopy of a letter which Val passed to me last year.It was written by someone from her school.To no one in particular.Someone whose identity is unknown. And since i have nothing much to say from myself for now, I thought I will just share this beautiful letter here:

Dear you, whoever you are, wherever you are.If you are actually there somewhere I'm not sure who is it that I'm writing to tonight.If it is to the idea of love or love itself, to a person or an ideal.I'm not really sure that it matters.

I want you to be there during those nights when loneliness swirls from my fingertips, and everything I touch breaks.Someone who will convince me that I can love imperfection.Because you will be imperfect, if I fall in love with you.Someone who lets me watch the sky and all its million colours of fluid movement even if you don't, and not laugh at me the way most people do, because they don't see beyond the morning or the afternoon or the night.They don't look into forever in things now. Do you?I don't want you to be perfect but I want you to be perfect for me. Is that selfish?I want to be perfect for you too.If you want me to be.

Do you know how terrifying it is to be a so-called old-fashioned, die-hard romantic in a world where everything, as they said, can be sold?To wonder if you are the only one left who believes in the things you do.who cringes at sex for sale and doesn't love the lewd.Who would rather deny that there is bad in the world than have to face it in other people.To have faith in ideals and notions of things that cannot be proved and cannot be defined but which you hold on to, no matter howblindly, in the depths of your blood and your bone and you pray to the God so few people actually believe in and no one will take your faith away. Because there would be nothing left to live for, if I didn't have that faith.Do you feel like that? Do you trust that there will be an answer to everything, even if we don't know it yet?

Are you scared if you'll ever fall in love?Or if you never will? Do you dread either as much as I do?It's 'fall' in love.It's never step calmly into love or walk gently out of it. It is fall to break or hurt or something great and terrible and never quite ordinary. And what is this love anyway? The assumption is that I know. But I don't. And I'm not sure I want to. I put red roses in the blue vase in front of my mirror and wonder if my mirror contains the memories of everything it had ever reflected, including the you, if you are.

I want to show you two souls like double mirrors reflecting each other into forever.

And I wonder how many people are writing a letter like mine?If there is someone else typing out the same words I am, in a room like mine, who is wondering this too.who is being still. And wondering and thinking.And who si typing these last few lines because there is nothing to say in words.It is the things unsaid but felt that need saying.But they refuse to be said. And who wonders, really, if it is you that these things will be not said to.

I think the words are perfect. They cut deep into my soul and touch my heart. Isn't it painfully and beautifully real before you find that someone?

You Are Beautiful

2005-10-05T07:48:00.000+08:00

having a low self-esteem myself, i can understand how she feels.i feel like that too...sometimes...or shld i say most of the time.i feel so ugly and fat tt i can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror sometimes.i know that true beauty is more than just skin deep but ask the world and they will only notice all the outward appearance first.in the world, the 'chio' pple rule...they are more popular and every achievement that they make seems more outstanding than ordinary pple. maybe it's the sc culture...which makes the whole good looking thing even more important to me.i know that i am plain looking and plain looking inevitably means ugly when u are surrounded by pretty faces.is it superficial to say that? i guess it is and i am disgusted at myself for saying that.but it is reality and reality is always harsh no matter what.i m sick and tired of being an ugly duckling...i wish to be free frm this self-battering state of mind... wish i cld fly like the swan too...
but right now, i know that i have to just trust God.believe in His miracles.and i wish to say this to tt dear fren of mine: You are beautiful because what you do is pure and sincere...it comes right from your heart.and when you are beautiful inside...it will shine through to your appearance too.dun fret about your looks or your talents.God has made each and every of us special and unique.You are one of the kind in this world and irrplaceable to the people who love you.
God bless you in all that you do.

words fail me

2005-10-01T17:00:00.000+08:00

Today is 1st Oct...childrens' day...3 more months to end of 2005...my year of rest.time passes really fast and it makes me sad when i realise this fact because everything seems to be moving endlessly on and on with time but i haven't really got the chance to sit down and think about what is the value of my life.
for now, my life just simply revolves around work and driving and it makes me feel empty to think tt i have been missing out on alot of simple pleasures in life.like reading, painting, cooking, meeting up with friends etc.
i am tired and drained of words to say.
but i am glad for one thing.
the thought that God has blessed me so abundantly despite all that have happened to me.
and at least i still have all the friday nights to look forward to.
fish and co food was normal...but the company was great!
hopefully can go seoul garden with val and tan next weekend.haha...another day of pigging out.it really makes my day

Shalom...means health,prosperity & peace...

2005-09-25T20:32:00.000+08:00

for ages i have been falling asleep during at church during sermons ever since al went aust...but today i really felt perked up by Pastor's Prince sermon and felt as though the world is brimming with love.I feel so loved by God and so at peace with Him because I know that in Him I can finally be at rest and not fret about the worldly things that bombard my life.
Today begins a new chapter in Pastor Prince's sermon.Since attending church with al early this year, he has been on the issue of convenant of grace and he has now moved on to the convenant of peace.To be frank, not all of his sermons strike a chord in me but this sermon is definitely one of those that makes me wanna listen more abt God.

It helps to allay my fears...of being unloved, unwanted, uncared for. It helps me heal a little by little, the past hurts and disappointments I have experienced. Although the effects may not be obvious now, I believe that in time, the hairline crack that the word of God has created in the dam of my heart will grow bigger and bigger, until the force of the gospel, the power of His word and the water of life that He has bestowed upon me will break down the wall of fears and troubles and fill my life with tangible blessings from God.

I feel inspired to know that I need not worry abt my future...for the Lord will worry on my behalf. Let what Pastor Prince had said,rest in the Lord and live one day at a time. I no longer feel compelled to love the world for the Lord has told us to "love thy neighbour" and not "neighbours". With this in mind, I feel that I have the greater capacity to love people, wholly and individually...without having to feel that I am not doing enough for them.

I wanna go into peace with God and shalom is my home.

Shalom means peace, health and prosperity.

miss piggy says hi

2005-09-24T21:56:00.000+08:00

went for sakae sushi buffet for dinner yest night with cheryl, shin shin and zhiying.haven't been there for ages since the last time i went with carol...like abt 2 or 3 mths ago?haha...had a really good time with them.it felt like an old frens' gathering even though we only knew each other for like barely a few months.we were all quite suaku abt it actally cos it seems like we were the only ones who were really excited abt ordering all the food before us.and being the glutton that i was, i decided to try out the diff flavours of sweet tofu filled with rice and ended up being the only one who cld not finsih my fruits and ice cream!and my stomach hurts so bad after tt i cldn't even walk straight to the toilet.thankfully, cheryl was with me or i wun even know how to get to the toilet!and she was kind enuf to wait for me at the toilet even though i told her tt i might take very long
tried to puke out my food but to no avail.oh well. its my fault for eating so fast and so much.after tt we walked frm raffles place to city hall,by-passing fullerton to see it famous choc buffet.but dun think i will really spend money on buffets in a long while.best to eat within my capacity.toking abt fullerton, i love it!it has a really good ambience.will be lovely to go there for wedding dinner or sth...but dun think anyone i know will ever get married there.very ex lor.
will be eating out again next fri with the gang...at fish and co glasshouse...haha.there goes my waistline!

So long...farewell

2005-09-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

Just came home from Changi airport...when i was walking home frm the mrt station, i saw the full moon in the sky...mocking as she shines down upon me.Can the moon sense the sadness tonight?where there should be reunion, there is parting.I did not cry...though i felt like breaking down at a certain point in time.
For the whole day, I was jittery.Had stomaches for most of the time. I don't understnad why because I was not the one leaving;Carol was. Yet it makes me nervous just thinking of farewells at airports.When I arrived there, carol was surrounded by friends and family; people whom i don't know mostly.My only comfort was Siwei, who was there with me.I felt lost in that crowd, like an insignificant part of nothingness.
And seeing the flahes of cameras going off, the cold, hard fact that one of my best friend will be off to another land, somewhere far, far away hit me. And it is the identification/realisation of loss that makes me sad.No matter how many promises are made about staying in touch etc, there will bound to be some distance, some holes that cannot be filled. Little things that we'll miss out on each other's lives. And perhaps, also the loss of that ease and familiarity we share when we are around with each other.
i have repeated my feelings about parting so many times that I should be numb to it by now, if not, at least well-prepared for it.But I am not quite so. I know that I shld be happy for her and I am. But things are different; things will be different. As what Val says, the person becomes more than a phone call away; and that distance is much harder to bridge.
I gave her a cup filled with chocolates as a farewell gift;a form of wishing her that her mornings will be filled with sweetness and her days full of delightful sunshine.She gave me a cup too. Funny how we end up with the same gift.She didn't remove the price tag for the cup she gave me, haha...so blur of her.
But whatever it is, I pray that God will keep her safe in His mighty arms as always.
For al who is already there at the other side of the ocean already, i miss u just as much too...
and so do i miss val, tan, bel, nat, yuli,bo...people whom i'll keep in my heart even though i dun see them often.
u are always in my mind...and ever so in my prayers.
wishing all of u a pleasant night.

it's painful to forget

2005-09-08T12:22:00.000+08:00

Not at work today but at home...and it's not good for me to be at home...away from the people and the laughter at work because I start to think and feel sad all over again. I thought I lost my heart recently cos I have become so numb and oblivious to the things around me. I am no longer bothered by the fact that my brother is not concentrating on his studies but playing his comp games all the time, I am not saddened by the absence of a lot of people in my life because I no longer remember how it felt like when they were around, I am no longer thinking of lost hopes and crushed dreams because I have learnt not to expect anymore...I was just living the day as it is...without any thought nor feelings...i left my heart somewhere and lost it so I felt freer but also much more empty because I have become like someone without a soul.

Now, in the silence of my room, with my mind half clear and half groggy from sleep, I can almost feel again.thinking abt pple who have left and will be leaving, thinking about pple who are still here but yet not really here, thinking about unspoken words and broken connections, thinking abt the strangeness of this existence, thinking abt the comings and goings...and once again, everything seeps back like an intangible yet unforgettable pain. It bewilders me and drives me crazy.

maybe i owe some of my loved ones a hug, and many unspoken words.maybe i haven't done enough to be a good daughter, sister and friend. maybe there's a lot of things i shld have done and never do.i owe some pple my time and presence too.but i am trying so hard already...sometimes i hope to be like the kite without a string.soaring in the wind.

and it's strange but i feel lonely sometimes...even in the crowds...cos i can't find the faces of my friends anywhere...they seem to have left me one by one.there's no one's hand there for me to hold on to.and i am so lost without them.

there are new frens in my life now.frens i can talk to and laugh with.frens whom i want to keep.but i cannot remain contented in that cos my heart is still searching for the past...old familiar faces that i know and cannot forget.cos it's painful to forget.

That warm fuzzy feeling...

2005-08-31T20:24:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is Teachers' Day and for the first time in years, there will be no school holiday for me. can't imagine that I have been a student for like around 14 to 15 years of my life already. Haven't exactly been really close to any teachers for most of my life though I am really grateful to quite a few of them, especially my jc teachers because I feel that they really teach very well. And I think that difficult as it is, teaching can be quite a gratifying job in the end, especially when you see your students improving and doing well in their tests and exams.

Although I'm never going to be a real proper teacher like the way I have wanted at some point in my life (before I vowed to be a doctor and I failed to be that too, sadly), I did get some taste of what it is like being a tuition teacher. I got my first and most probably last teachers' day present yesterday from the pair of twins whom i teach yesterday and it was really sweet. I haven't expected to receive anything and didn't exactly see myself as their teacher cos i thought of myself as an older sister to them. In the card that they gave me, Sharon(the girl twin) wrote "Thank you Miss Lua for your good teaching. You have prepared us well for our PSLE." Though I don't know if that is true or not, I am really really happy to know that they are encouraged by my teaching and it makes me want to do so much more for them.

It's blissful to know that you have made a difference in other people's life and it's that warm fzzy feeling that drives me to want to do more for people. Really hope that I can join the misson trip in Val's church for end of this year. There's a need for me to connect to God, to know that I am doing something to help His people too.

Guess I will take one step at a time.

:P

Frozen in time

2005-08-25T20:54:00.000+08:00

Everything becomes so routine nowadays that I am almost numb to the passing of time. All the memories I have had since the starting of this year seem so far behind with all the repetitive stuff that's happening in my life. I don't know if that's the sign that my life is boring & pathetic or whether I am growing older and older in my heart that there is no vitality at all in my life.Sometimes the emptiness in my heart becomes so unbearable that I feel like screaming and shouting to let everything loose because no words can place how I feel exactly. Last time back in school, you have time to talk to all your close friends and let go of some bad feelings, knowing that they will always be here to hold your hands. But as you grow older, you realise that you have to learn to be independent and walk through some stages of your life alone. At times like tis, I am thankful to have God in my life because I know that I am not truly alone.

Still, I need that human touch to remember how is it like to be loved and cared for. I hate myself for being like this because it seems like a terrible weakness to have in a world where everyone is busy moving on. And there is this helplessness in me because I know I am losing some people yet I do not have the strength and energy to make the effort and contact them.And so we slowly learn to let go. The memories and conversations we shared become frozen in time. They become kept away, things that you only take out when you have a few stolen moments to be yourself. But in the meantime, I am just a person of the world,bounded by my obligations.

Work is ok i guess. I've made some friends there and it's easier to pass time when you have some warmth in your life. But I miss being myself...as in keeping my silence, reading my novels, painting my drawings, indulging in simple, simple things of life and not having to worry or care about how the rest of the world saw me.

Maybe it's better not to think. But when I don't think, I don't feel.so how different am I from the air and water that simply exists, cruel and unfeeling, rushing and rushing to be at everywhere and yet nowhere?

At times like this, I also start to wonder how Heaven is like.How will we feel?is it life or just mere existence there?

And I weep.for there is just too much to bear.too much for me to understand.

Anger Management

2005-08-20T09:14:00.000+08:00

I do have a problem with handling anger. When things irk me, I feel like shouting, screaming, crying and at times, hitting something or somebody.In essence, I don't know how to contain my anger, I have to let it out and when I do so, I hurt people. Forgive me. I do know that I can be quite a monster at times, being so unreasonable and petty. Perhaps behind all the declarations of "I've grown up" and stuff, I am still just a child at heart, immature and petty. But I hardly show this side of myself to others, except for my family and very close friends. Perhaps I am just hiding behind a mask all these while, pretending to be an angel when I am not. It takes a lot of courage for me to face this side about myself because sometimes, I subconsciously try to deny it by reasoning that everyone else is in the wrong while I am the one who is always right. And so, I really think that my friends spoil me sometimes by saying that I am "kind" and "caring" even though I can be real nasty at times. They always make me forget that there's sth that's lacking in me and this is what make them so invaluable-they make you feel good about yourself.

And because they have been so good to me (like val and tan for example), I feel that i should start making positive actions to manage my own anger instead of letting it bug me. Here's what i plan to do:

1. Pray to God about my problem so that He can grant me the peace and calmness I need when problemsor obstacles crop up in my life
2. Listen to more soothing music everytime I am angry
3. write out my tots on a piece of paper and burn it up
4. talk into a bottle of water and pour away the water, to symbolise that all unhappiness has been poured away

and actually, i was angry abt sth just now but now i shall just leave it till monday to deal with it and not let it bug my nice weekend.

I'm a survivor!

2005-08-18T18:49:00.000+08:00

Back from OBS with bad sunburn, mosquito bites and fatigued arms yesterday. But also brought back with it alot of invaluable memories.I never thought I cld survive this camp cos I was never extremely physically fit and here I am now, still alive and kicking.
Day 1 was pretty slack initially. We had some icebreakers and soon it was lunch time. After lunch, we headed for rock climbing and I'm glad to say that I managed to overcome my fear of heights to reach the top of the rock wall which stands 21 m above the ground. Pretty daunting to be belaying and climbing straight after that cos it's all so physically draining. Had actually wanted to give up halfway but seeing how the rest tried their best to reach the top no matter what, I did my best too. Then we had night trail around the forest of P. Ubin at night. One segment was climbing through some underground tunnel in the pitch black by ourselves. Was quite scary because you never know what you can expect in the dark. Worse still, some of my mates had to talk abt ghost stories before the event.Jon, who was our instructor, told us that we could end up at the wrong exit with no one there if we were not sharp enough but in the end, all of us managed to get to the correct exit which was just opposite the hole that we entered!It's just the darkness tt made everything seemedmuch longer than it is.

On day 2, we went kayaking to our camp site at another part of P. Ubin. At that point, I have to conquer another of my fear which was the fear of drowning.Haha. But it was not as bad as I tot since I had a wonderful kayaking partner who coordinated the moves that we are to take. we went out to the open sea and kayaked from 11.45am to 1.30pm before we entered the river going thru ubin which was full of twists and turns. In between, we had to cross and road cutting across the river by moving all our kayaks out from the muddy water and back again into the very same water.It was truly exhausting. But we worked well as a team and managed to cover 60% of our journey by 2.50pm. From then on, it was more twists and turns around the swamp until we reach the open sea again where we kayaked till 4pm before reaching our designated campsite.Boy, I was really glad to reach there cos all the time, I was wondering when my arms will give way or when I might fall into the sea!When we reached the campsite, there was a threatening storm in the distance and we were told to hurry pitch our tents before the rain came in. Fortunately, God was on our side and the rain didn't come so we managed to have a dip in the clean, non-salty waters of the quarry lake there. Heard that quite alot of pple drowned there last time so I was glad to have my lifevest with me! Then we got changed behind the ponchos in the wild and had to use powder to make do for our showers. After that, Stacy helped with the cooking of the rice and Angeline did the sausages and baked beans while the rest just helped ard in strenthening the tents. Finally at 8pm, we settled down for dinner and it was storytime and sharing session under the stars and the moon. Those in the nursing profession already like Mac, E and Estee had pretty interesting stories to share from their work. Then Angeline was lecturing Jon about the things that men don't get abt girls. Haaha.It was sure funny to hear them but I was really too tired by then to talk. After that got, settled down on the ground sheet under the open sky and woke up with dewdrops all over my hair. Boiled water for the tram to cook milo with then did our business(small one) in the open near some rocks. So it's really back to the basics tere for all of us. Kayaked back again after that an jumped down from a plank at a pier called the commitment pier into the sea.
Soon, it's time to return with our shopping of obs items.
Sigh.
It was a wonderful time but tiring too.
Maybe I might join the 21 day OBS programme one of these days.
But not for now.
I'm beat.
Oh, glad that I survived.

Stolen time

2005-08-14T08:17:00.000+08:00

I am borrowing stolen time to post this entry. No time to reply my emails even. sorry. need to rush off for tuition in like 10 minutes time. Just hoped to get sth off my chest here.Sth that's bothering me now. Do you ever have frens who only appear whenever they need you? Then after that they disappear without a trace? I am really sick and tired of this kind of pple. This particlar fren of mine keeps borrowing things from me and then, when her interests were threatened, she got angry with me. It was very hurtful and did some damage to the friendship. To avoid any conflicts, I apologised but the damage was done. Now I thought I shld play the part of a fren by celebrating her bdae for her and the first thing she asks is can she come and use my comp? Not that I mind but this really reminds me of what kind of fren she makes and its troubling me cos my mum totally dislikes her after that incident.
Oh well. And I have been walking so far away from God because of driving and work. I know I ought to put in more time into the church thing but...sigh.
Alright need to go. I'll take one step at a time

Rain and sunshine

2005-08-09T15:15:00.000+08:00

feeling a bit restless now so tot i shld blog for a while to let off some steam.met al online on sun and realised how much i miss her.work has been keeping me away from most of my friends and this prevented me from thinking too much about stuff which matters to me. This holiday has given me some space to myself but at the same time, caused me to fret about things.

I had a long conversation with carol just now. glad that she still remembers me despite her busy schedule. It feels good to be in touch with your friends, to learn that they are living well and that they have not forgotten you in spite of the distance, spaces and silences that fill our lives from time to time. But at the same time, talking to her make me realise how vulnerable human relationships are, how prone they are to changes; twists and turns which take you by surprise. We keep moving on and on in life and sometimes, there is just no stopping to see who you have left behind. I am afraid to lose people, not just because I am basically an insecure person but als because I treasure each and every friend I make and I want to be sure that I can be there for them when needed. At the same time, I realise that I am not a super-human being, I cannot always be there for everyone and not everyone needs me anyway. With two of my best friends gone, one in aust and the other in uk, I feel more alone than ever. I wish I can promise that things will not change or make others promise the same thing to me but it's not possible. We are all so helpless in this sea of change. We can't do anything to make the world stop revolving.

Val msged me about how sad she felt when she saw our old sc photos the other day. I told her the same thing as above.Everyone says grow up, accept it, changes are inevitable but can we stop feeling the way we feel just because others tell us to stop? I can't for I am all flesh and blood, not a robot that listens to every command I am given.I need time and space to mourn for the past, only then can I look towards the future. I am ambiguous about leaving Singapore sometimes, because what I leave behind will be more than just a warm bed, home-cooked meals, familiarity... The people I leave behind, will they remember me? Can the memories and feelings be preserved with the onslaught of time?

I am happy to see my friends happy. Haappy to see that they are all getting on well with life. But sad too because there will be blanks that I cannot fill. Blanks that they cannot fill.

Maybe that's why I feel so jittery now. Like I am precariously balncing on the edge of a tall building. Trying hard to save myself from the fall. I use that alot nowadays. Precarious balance. Because life is a balancing act. You have to play your role well to prevent yourself from falling off the edge.

I give myself too much pressure I know. I am learning to loosen up. And maybe I can. But it's not something I can learn. It's something that I grow to have.

Alright. It's sunshine after the rain. I am done with my ranting.

More positive news for you all is that I've learnt how to cook sphaghetti today. And it's really not bad ok? My mum said so. Don't come and laugh at me or I'll force feed my sphaghetti to you! I will be making savoury crepes next and japanese curry the next time I'm free.Already bought the ingredients: carrots, lettuce, ham, grated cheddar cheese, shitake mushrooms, hotdogs...yum yum!

And today is my brother's bdae, gonna celebrate for him later. Happy Birhtday Bro!
Going for a swim now I think.
Love you all.
Take care!
Al: cue to roll your eyes now!

Picking up the Pieces

2005-06-29T11:00:00.000+08:00

a long overdue entry....
life is getting hectic once again...even though I'm reasonably happy with the way things are to begin with...
i've been going over to bbdc which is sucking up my bank acct...fast...and i have beeen tutoring 2 precocious pri6 kids...who are actually a pair of non-identical twins and the cool thing is...they live just one block away from me so even though the pay is abit lower than market price, i don't really mind. then there is volunteer work which ended officially yesterday...and then there is meeting up with friends whom I have not seen for a long time.then i have also been tinkering around with my few paints and brushes to do more of the watercolour landscape paintngs which i so love...
maybe this kind of life is not desirable to many since it seems to lack any risk factor in it.but i'm comfortable in it and i guess i've kind of stopped shaping myself according to other pple's expectaions of a perfect life.
abt to start work soon and my sis is finally returning frm uk!
but with one return comes another leaving...al will be going off for aust on 14th july...and there seems so little time that we get to spend tog now...any of u interested for a farewell party for her?
all these ramblings aside, i think it's time to pick up the broken pieces and move on in my life.
and i do so cherish my life.

Moving out of the shadows

2005-06-16T20:03:00.000+08:00

Yes, I did say that the previous post was the last and final.
Yet, it seems so inconclusive to end off with such a sad post. Or maybe deep inside, I'm once again aching for a place to say my piece, make myself heard. I wonder how many people actually come here to read still, the place of buried dreams and longings?

Grief has many shades and tones, so perhaps I am now existing in one of its many nuances. Only that as time passes, grief has become subtler and more intangible than before. It becomes part of my skin, vibrating from the very core of my bones. It's not that I do not know how to be joyful, for I am joyful now, living my life to the full.

It's just that I cannot leave the sadness and disappointment behind for these are feelings that I've known all throughout my life. I remember being a child, longing to find presents on my bed on Christmas mornings. But I knew not of the warmth of Christmas when I was a child, for my family were non-believers. I remember being a child, wanting to travel places, relishing in their colours and sounds but I have always been here. I remember wishing that my family can be more like other families, not one that is filled by blanks and the silences of a distant and austere father. I remember how bitterly I cried at the release of the O' level results, for I have not achieved what I wanted, even though I had worked so very hard. And now...now it seemed more so than ever that sadness and disappointment will become a familiar part of my life, like phantoms that will haunt me no matter how hard I try.

I am like a creature who has lived in the darkness for too long. In the wake of the morning, I can feel the light and warmth infusing into the room where I dwell, chasing the darkness out of me. Inspired, I move rapidly to throw open the curtains so that I can let more light in. Although I am eager to embrace the light, the sudden flood of it throw me off guard. The brillance of it seems to engulf me and in all its whiteness, there seem to be no place for me, a tainted bolt of black out of nowhere. I am blinded constantly by the magnificence of the light and in shame, I draw myself inward, back to the darkness where I belong.

This seems to be a constant part of my relationship with God. I want so much to know Him, for I sense that with Him I can feel the light and be happy. But the years of disappointments sometimes block me from reaching out to His light and I find myself suddenly afraid. Afraid to ask, afraid to believe. I feel like a chided child, penitent for my willfulness in all these dwelling of unhappy thoughts because I know that I ought to be happy and thankful, yet I cannot resist going back to my old self. It seems safer to cover myself in sadness for it gives me the protective cover of non-expectations and hence, protecting me from further hurt.

Still, I struggle to move out from the dark, where silences threaten to deafen and shadows loomed over the distance.

And believe me, I am not writing this out of pity for myself because I am thankful for what I have. Maybe I have too many thoughts and emotions locked up within me that at this particular moment, they threaten to break loose from me, to dwell in the eery spaces of this blog page.

And with each breath I take, my world seems to shudder in its precarious balance between reality and dream. I know, that it is time for me to take flight on my strong, albeit broken wings once again.

Yet, the few burning questions remain.
Can I really be free of my misgivings and believe in goodness without reserve again?
Can I move ahead and not live with regrets?

I await for the answers to my question, at the next four years ahead of me.

Indelible Scar

2005-05-29T11:20:00.000+08:00

I still hurt inside even though I know that now is the time to let go.
I've questioned why but the reason is never for me to comprehend.
Suddenly I feel so old, so alone and so defeated but life will still go on.
I have to learn to be courageous.
People have questioned me if I really want to take up OT. Will I be happy?
I have no answer.
All I know is that my life-long dream is shattered and the pain I feel now is not sth others can understand.
Everyone has to go through this stage in their lives and so I do not wish to harp on about how I feel.
I just want to move on.
But the scar remains.
An indelible scar.
Only if you saw my sketch book will you realise how much I wanted to study medicine.
The children's eyes stare back at me, it seems like they are imploring me to help them.
But I am helpless.
Children of Africa, I hope that God will send someone to you soon. And the person can do lots more to help you.
Maybe it's diffcult to keep this kind of idealistic dream in the first place.
Deep, puritan feelings have no place in this realistic world.
Maybe I'm transforming into a realistic person too.
Faced with the situation I'm in now, I will take the realistic path.
Afterall, I do not want to be paying off some study loan for a course that I do not feel passionate about.
But I will learn to love whatever life has thrown at me.
Because lfe is this way.
You either learn to love it or hate it.
So I chose to love it.
Perhaps this will be my last entry in this blog.
For all hopes that I have placed in life seem empty right now.
And still, the scar remains.
An indelible scar.

Ugly Feelings

2005-05-23T13:24:00.000+08:00

Alone at home now, with dark tots manifesting in my head. Someone told me that i'm the most negative person she has ever seen and yeah, i think i am. But i'm bitter and aggrieved now, such words don't make sense to me. i think i shld be given space to be myself, to manifest my unhappiness, although it's a highly insensitive and irresponsible thing to do. but i've had enough of my responsible, sensitive, saintly life.good pple dun have good end.no they dun. i'm beginning to realise that.i'm sickened to death by this realisation.good pple only suffer no end.when they are down, who will go the extra mile to care for them?Where are those pple who are so called frens?they disappear and lead their own life anyway. esp her,the fren i knew for so long but never ever heard from nowadays.it is at times like this when i realise how hollow our so-called frenship is. she disappeared from my life and seem to be always doing so anyway. i feel like screaming and hurting myself to distract myself from the pain i have in my heart now.no no.i m not suicidal.just angsty and unreasonable. need to be like that sometimes. so just leave me alone. i know that i have no right to be so. but i just wanna be so.

i'm sick and tired of my life, my horrible life where i m a poor, ugly and unwanted creature with no use to anybody at all.nobody remembers me when their lives are smooth-sailing. they only come when they need help. ask yrself. did u ever call me out to have fun? no u din. only few pple do.i feel like walking out of the country, disappearing without a trace, leaving behind my duties. i know that pple are gonna lambast me for complaining and yes, they are gonna tell me that i m much more fortunate than other pple, pple in Africa. yeah. i know that. thank you very much. i've watched enough news to realise that. but will that stop me from aching and complaining and wanting more? no. dun tell me what to do or what i shld be. dun criticise me and get angry with me for wat i've said. u dun lead my life. so u dun have the right to do so. none of u have. only my parents and God have the right to do so. yeah. so get off my back.

i finally did it. first time i wrote out my anger though it's an ugly feeling to remember. maybe i'll delete this entry from my blog when i feel better. but now it stays. for all of u to see. so that shld i leave one day, u all will understand why. yes, maybe i'll leave.bye

No one there

2005-05-23T13:19:00.000+08:00

I'm losing control
Out of my mind
Black, black day
Trying to keep my cool
fulfiling responsibilities
to be kind, good and cheerful.
My problems are small
so why make a fuss
no one cares enough
so i go alone
and alone i shall be
on my path to don't know where
i want to leave
leave this cold, dark world
i am so tired
to play the role of a saint
i'm not allowed to be weak
cos no one will be there to catch me when i fall

On days I feel like crap

2005-05-21T16:02:00.000+08:00

The darkest of night has fallen and where is my saving grace?

I'm horribly disturbed by the silence in my life. The way unwanted letters kept coming in but the letters that you really want never turn up.

It's a horrible long wait and I tell myself to be patient...to believe and trust God and His miracles.

But how much longer can I hold on to it?

I really wonder.

It's another 3 days of waiting and that's enough to throw me off the edge.

And in between, I've gotta to look for more jobs to earn my keep. Which is a pity. I do enjoy my work at TTSH but it is unrealistic to volunteer my time 5 times a week, 8 hrs a day (except on mon and wed where i have half day to give tuition later). So I can only go for shorter hours now...

I am not a saint, neither am I a devil. I'm just an ordinary mortal. I wish pple will stop expecting things from me...things that I'm afraid I may not be able to fulfil. I can fail too and fall short of expectations. I hope that people wll stop asking and asking...I dunno my own life as much as others dunno me.

And I also feel burdened by responsibility...in everything that I do. My life is already marked by flaws and blemishes that I desperately try to hide and that's why I strive for perfection in all that I do. maybe that's why I don't feel happy and light-hearted like most people. I'm weighed down by concerns and expectations, responsibilities and yes, even dreams.

I am not trying to fish for pity here. I just feel that my life is crap right now and there's no where to throw up that crap except here. Here for everybody to see so that I need not pretend and hide anymore. I am just weak and vulnerable, much as I deny and pretend to be strong. I need to cry, just like any other pained and hurt souls. But I can't. I've forced back my tears for too long and now they won't come out.

Just like that.

Me and my angsty self on this rainy afternoon.

I need a break.

Crap. Take me away.

PMSing away

2005-05-17T18:43:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it's really better not to see things that u are not meant to see. I was spying on my sis's blog just now and realises how much she hates me. Hatred is an ugly and childish game which I abhor. It hurts me deeply to see her entries where she complains openly about me. Much as I don't agree of her ways at times, I do not go abt publishing about her behaviour in my blog. I believe that the way to keep ugly feelings at bay is never to keep any records abt it. Wanted to buy a nice, expensive jacket for her attachment in london at first but now i really wonder if it'll be worthwhile. she hates me for wearing her clothes but it's not my fault tt i have little money to buy more clothes of my own.

i dun scold curse words at her and yet she's cursing me in her blog.

what is this?

i feel wronged although this is just my one-sided view.

and tan was in a bad mood just now too when she talked to me. she told me tt it's my own fault for committing myself for volunteer work when i'm poor so i shldn't complain tt i have no money.

ok. i won't. i can freaking eat bread and drink plain water for all my lunches there in future and not breathe a word.

now i'm complaining and ya, i know tt i suck.

but still, i m serious abt going to bangkok with u ok? and i'm not going to pay lip service this time. please. everyone cooperate and we'll go ok?

sorry.

Link the world with love

2005-05-16T21:45:00.000+08:00

Watched Beyond Borders some time ago and was terribly inspired by the show. It was a show starring Angelina Jolie who played the role of a naive American socialite called Sarah, who is living in London. At a charity gala show, she witnessed the fiery plea of a MSF ( Medecins sans Frontiers) doctor, Nick Callahan, who puts down the so called "charity" that the rich pretend to give to the poor. Moved by his cause, Sarah joined the relief efforts at war-torn Ethiopia, where she picked up a child who was about to be devoured by a vulture. That scene was so poignant, it's not one that you will be ready to forget. The child was literally skin and bones in his malnourished condition. He had the face of an old man even though he's only like 5 or 6. It was very sad. And watching this show made me feel more inadequate than ever for I have so little to offer right now. I am caught between wanting to go for an overseas volunteer programme and trying to find sufficient funds to do so. But I believe that God will help me find a way out as He always had in the past. And another problem is finding the time to do so, now that I have committed my time to TTSH for the next one month plus or so.

I am compelled by this bug to make a difference and see the world.What do you all make of this? will you all be interested to join this programme with me?Here's what I saw:

Cameroon
Village Primary School AidCamp
We will be providing a proper primary school for the village of Mogni in the West province of Cameroon. The current building is unable to take all the local children and many have been sent to live with relatives elsewhere to go to school. This AidCamp will allow nearly 200 children to be reunited with their families. There will also be opportunities for volunteers to assist the teachers. Cultural visits will include the Royal Palace at Foumban and the regional chief’s compound at Bafut.
5th to 26th of November, 2005 3 weeks
AidCamp Outline

AidCamps International organises and runs AidCamps with two major purposes in mind:
to implement a specific development aid project for a local community in partnership with a local NGO
to provide the opportunity for volunteers to experience a side of the host country not normally seen by the average tourist

The Project: The main purpose of holding an AidCamp with any particular partner NGO is to raise funds for and implement a worthwhile project that would not otherwise be realised. Potential volunteers should be aware that 72% of the minimum donation will be used for the implementation of the project, with the rest being used for the running of the charity. The registration fee goes towards taking care of the volunteers. Without the financial aid provided by the volunteers the project would not happen.

Volunteers Involvement: Volunteers will be involved in the implementation of the project in a hands on manner. However, we are aware that most volunteers will neither have specific skills nor be used to working in hot climates.
Typically, volunteers will be working side-by-side with locals skilled in the necessary tasks and hired by the project. In most cases work will start before the beginning of the camp so that volunteers can help with the completion of the project upon their arrival.
Project work will usually happen in the mornings for four or five days a week.

Local Experience: One of the reasons the volunteers will come is to meet and find out about the local people and experience their living conditions and their culture. The volunteers will be given every opportunity to meet and interact with the indigenous population, and to observe and participate in their culture. Where possible volunteers will be taken to festivals, markets, and local activities.
In addition staff of our partner NGO will give occasional informal evening talks on cultural matters so that the volunteers feel that they have learned more than the average tourist about local culture.

Local Problem Awareness: Our partner NGO will, by talks and in particular by visits, inform and show the volunteers other projects in the area and other problems that the local population faces.

Local and Regional Heritage Visits: As a break, volunteers will be taken on occasional half-day excursions to local places of interest, not related to any community development projects or local problems.
In order that volunteers can experience other aspects of the country they will be taken at weekends to visit cultural and natural heritage sites, e.g., trips to national parks, cultural centres, monuments, or big cities.
Additionally, the first and last couple of days will be spent somewhere not too far from the airport so that they can recover from jet lag after arriving and relax after the project before departing.

AidCamps International Co-ordinator: One of our UK team will be with the group at all times to co-ordinate the project and take care of the volunteers.
Partner NGO Representative: The group will always have a local representative of the project with them when they are not at the project base, to act as an organiser, guide and translator.
When the group is at the project base there will always be somebody present to coordinate activities.

Communal Activities: Volunteers are expected to cooperate and share day to day living tasks such as doing their housekeeping and helping with the cooking.

Musings on friendship

2005-05-11T22:24:00.000+08:00

Too old to make new friends?by Sumiko Tan

SUNNY, one of my dearest friends at work, will leave The Straits Times next month for greener pastures. He is not my first friend from the office to say goodbye. Over the years, there have been a handful of colleagues who became friends.

In recent times, at least three others have also left.When Sunny told me that he was leaving, I moaned: 'With you gone, I will have hardly any friends left in the office!'Which set me thinking: At what point does an acquaintance or colleague become a friend? And, to take a step back, what is this concept called 'friendship' anyway? Indeed, what makes you click with one person and form a friendship with him, but not some other?

If a friend is defined as someone I feel completely comfortable calling up at 3 am to bail me out of trouble - and Sunny will do so - then, alas, I don't have that many friends. Other than family members, I can count on just one female friend and three, at best four, male friends. But then, maybe that's plenty. As someone once said, one friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible.

FRIENDSHIPS are different from relationships - and thank goodness for that.You can be great chums with your partner, of course, but a relationship is so much more complex. It is not only about that enrapturing feeling called love, but - if you are unlucky - also a host of murky emotions like jealousy, resentment, anger, pain and despair. Friendship is simpler and fills you, mostly, with harmless Type B emotions - kindliness, fondness, warmth and cordiality. With a lover, you make demands and have expectations. But with a friend, you're cool. You don't really owe him anything, or have to explain much, because, ultimately, you demand nothing more from each other than pleasant company and an occasional listening ear.

Love, I read somewhere, is blind, but friendship closes its eyes. How true. THE older I get, the more I value friends. Yet, ironically, I find that it is now not only harder for me to maintain old friendships, but also to form new ones.When I was in school, friendships came naturally. My friends and I moved in a pack - we ate, studied, gossiped and partied together. We exchanged secrets and gifts, sent cards and gave treats. Our friendships were firm, and sweet.Coming from an all-girls school, I didn't get to make male friends until I was in junior college.

Initial shyness aside, I found that it was possible to have a platonic relationship with a guy, and that they made equally good friends.By the time I went to university, I was already attached, and had little time to make new friends, male or female.Then came working life. Through sheer proximity and the amount of time spent together, it was inevitable that some colleagues became more than co workers. What is it that allows you to become friends with some people, and not others?Shared experience is one requisite, and the sharper it is, the better. For Sunny and I, it was our years spent pounding the same beat, politics.That X factor called 'chemistry' is another, and I suppose this explains how you can be firm friends with people who are very different from you.

THE saddest thing about friendship is that it can die. It doesn't come with a lifelong guarantee.Distance is one killer. Unless you are diligent in keeping in touch with a friend, being far away can drive a wedge in your relationship.Changes in circumstance is another. It has been said that a friend in power is a friend lost, and I have found this to be true. When a friend moves up in life, he will become too busy for you, while you don't want to risk rejection by trying to keep in contact with him.

Marriages have also caused friendships to fade as your spouse might not take to your friends. Then there are friendships that die because they have simply run their course. I had a close female friend whom I had known since we were both 17. About four years back, after 16 years of keeping in touch through the mail, long hours on the phone and giggly lunches, our friendship died. Just like that.

There was no quarrel, no disagreement, no underlying unhappiness or animosity or hurts. The plug was just pulled.The last time we saw each other was at lunch - in fact, it was to celebrate her birthday. We were our usual loud selves. After the meal, we gave our usual hug, said our usual cheery goodbyes and made our usual promise to meet again.We didn't call each other for weeks (which was normal, as we were both busy), then months (which began to feel a bit strange, but nothing to be alarmed about), then, yes, years (by then, it was too late to resuscitate the friendship).We did talk once, last year, when my father died and she called. I was grateful to hear from her and I know it took a lot for her to pick up the phone after so many years.

I wish nothing but the best for her, and am always glad to hear from mutual friends that she is well. Yet, I know that if we were to bump into each other today, it would feel awkward.

IF I value friendship so much, why don't I just go forth and make more friends?It is easier said than done. People my age and older are busy with careers and family. I have fewer things in common with those younger.But the fault is mine. At my age, I lack the energy and enthusiasm. Starting and maintaining a friendship might be far less arduous than a relationship, but it still requires effort. Do I have the strength for that on top of the other demands in my life?So, next month, I say goodbye to Sunny and I am left with one friend fewer at work.British writer Virginia Woolf once said: 'I have lost friends, some by death - others by sheer inability to cross the street.'

Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining friends - on the street, I trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and say 'hi'.For, really, that is all it takes to keep a friendship alive.

I chanced upon this article on friendship by Sumiko Tan yesterday night and thought it rather meaningful so here is it now, in my blog. Through the years, alot of the things that have hurt my heart is not love or even my studies but it is actually frendships. Friends whom I treasure alot who have left without a warning or a sign from my life, leaving a gaping hole behind. Their absence have always took away a part of me simply because they were part of my life, people whom I truly care about and love alot.

Sometimes, I must admit that I stifle people with my expectations. Being a perfectionist, I am too idealistic about most things in life, including friendships. I want my friends to be loyal, kind, helpful, caring, forgiving and thoughtful. But I realise that everyone has their flaws, including me. I may be less than a perfect friend to others but I never saw that last time because I am too caught up in my own idea of "perfection".

I can understand what X meant when she said tt she wished there was a friend exclusive to her, who will be there always to listen and care for her. To others, such tots may seem like acts of possessiveness cos friends are meant to be shared. But sometimes, having friends who are too busy with other friends, too busy with their own lives to stop a while for you can be even worse than having no friends at all. Holding them up seem unfair to them and makes you feel pathetic bcos it's as though u are totally dependent on them. It makes u feel like u owe them alot and that u r not important at all.

But as I grow older, esp since last year, I think I have sort of let go of my expectations of pple around me. I learn to give space to others. I learn to stop expecting yr best fren to always have time for you. I learn to be independent and do things on my own. We all learn one day, that the most trustworthy friend is God, for He lives in our hearts and He is here, everyday and every moment of our lives.

Now, I can say that I'm at ease with the state of most of my friendships though there are some pple whom I wish I have more time to speak to. Friends are still important to me because they are like the air that I breathe, formless yet essential for my living. I want you all to know how much I love all of you and that despite the distances that may form as we move on to different paths in life, I hope tt many years from now, we can still come back together, without the barriers of differences in status, education and experiences, to share our lives as though we have never left from this point in time, this space that we all share now.

It's a promise.

A promise that cannot be broken.

Tests and Results

2005-05-11T10:10:00.000+08:00

WHAT DOES YOUR BIRTHDAY MEANS?
Your birth on the 10th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life.
The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated.
A birthday on the 10th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach.

This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush.
You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed.
You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations
WHAT IS YOUR PERSONALITY TYPE?

Your #1 Match: INFJ
The Protector
You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #2 Match: ISFJ
The Nurturer
You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways.In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for.You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

Your #3 Match: ENFJ
The Giver
You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed.Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #4 Match: ESFJ
The Caregiver
You are sympathetic and caring, putting friends and family first.A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change.You love being in groups - whether you're helping people or working on a project.You are good at listening, laughing, and bringing out the best in people.You would make a great nurse, social worker, or teacher.

Your #5 Match: INFP
The Idealist
You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

WHAT IS YOUR TRUE BIRTH MONTH?
Your True Birth Month Is January

Loyal

Social

Logical

Easily jealous

Loves children

Rather reserved

Highly attentive

Likes to criticize

Needs close friends

Ambitious and serious

Smart, neat and organized

Hardworking and productive

Loves to teach and be taught

Quiet unless excited or tensed

Sensitive and has deep thoughts

Knows how to make others happy

Searches for the greatest romance

Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds

Romantic but has difficulties expressing love

Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses

HOW NORMAL ARE YOU?

You Are 45% Normal(Somewhat Normal)
While some of your behavior is quite normal...Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

WHAT GENDER IS YOUR BRAIN?

Your Brain is 73.33% Female, 26.67% Male
Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

Taking time to dream

2005-05-11T09:23:00.000+08:00

Since I'm sick now and stuck at home, I might as well take some time to blog.Seriously, I have this sudden urge to splurge on myself and go off for a holiday right now despite the HORRIBLE TRUTH that I M SUPER BROKE!!!My idea now is tt if I dun spend more time with my frens now, I might end up regretting and we all go separate ways later on. So I'm not going to care abt the prices for once and I hope tt there will be a few kind souls who dare to venture on a holiday at Bangkok tog.PLEASE agree to go before I lose tt enthusiasm...

There are lotsa things I hope to do before starting school in July, Aug?Here's what I have in mind:

1. Go on a holiday with friends. It will be ideal if we can go to a place where we need to take a plane. Like Bangkok for eg? Then we must shop, shop, shop and buy all the clothes and shoes and bags we need!

2. Go ice-skating.I really miss it. Hopefully can group 4 pple tog and skate.

3. Spend one lovely morning swimming, eating warm and moist hotcakes dipped in golden rich syrup. After that, laze at home in the afternoon, reading a nice, long story book with the rain pattering outside. Finally, go on a scrumptious dinner at some expensive and classy restaurant.

4. Go cycling at Pulau Ubin and taking magnificent pictures of the sunset.

5. Stop feeling ugly and disgusted with myself.

6. Go K Box to sing with my cousins and siblings/ go there with shi2

7. Get a bicycle and learn how to ride on the road with it

8. Learn to drive a motor bike and manage to buy one to drive in it (sigh...but this is not possible lah)

9. Win a lucky draw tt gives me a car as the prize. Then I will hurry buck up and go learn driving.

10. Having peace and joy in my heart forever. Serving God in the ministry at church.

Btw, all these things I have in mind are typed in no order of preference. And I do realise that reality is often different from our desires so I may not be able to do all of the stuff above but I do hope tt no 10,1,2 and 6 can be fulfilled.
Meanwhile, I'll just dream and hope tt all sweet dreams can be fulfilled...

La Vie En Rose

2005-05-08T12:12:00.000+08:00

BETTE MIDLER LYRICS
"La Vie En Rose"
Hold me close and hold me fast.
This magic spell you cast;
this is la vie en rose.

When you kiss me, heaven sighs.
And though I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose.

When you press me to your heart,
I'm in a world apart.
A world where roses bloom.

And when you speak,
angels fly from above.
Everyday words seem to turn
into love songs.
Give your heart and soul to me.
Babe, it's gonna be
La vie en rose.

Mmm, when you press me to your heart,
I'm in a world apart.
A world where roses bloom.

And when you speak,
angels fly from above.
Everyday words seem to turn
into love songs.
Give your heart, your soul to me.
Babe, it's gonna be
La vie en rose.

Born to Try

2005-05-08T09:57:00.000+08:00

Born To Try-by Delta Goodrem
Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love

All that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love

Be understanding
And believe in life

But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture

And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try

I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

All that you see is me
All I truly believe
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try

I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

Was inspired by the song tt Val showed me yesterday at her house. So went to look for more of Delta Goodrem's songs on the Internet and found this song which is quite appropriate at this moment. I often find myself heisitating to try for certain things because I'm afraid of making the wrong steps, afraid that I will regret my decisions. That's why I always dream of big things but never got around carrying them out.

For now I said I want to be more active in the church ministry, yet I have not taken any action to contact the relevant pple. For now I said that I want to be a missionary doctor in future but would I have the courage to carry out my dream?

Sometimes I really despise myself for hiding in the shell, for being afraid to even fight for what I want. I claim that all I want is a simple life but actually, if I were to be frank, I'm just not daring enough to try. I am afraid of changes, afraid of disharmony, afraid of confrontations, afraid of anger, afraid to fall in love, afraid of isolation, afraid of so many things...

Sometimes, it seems like my life is riddled with fears. Ridiculous fears that hold me back. Fears that make me live life of a lesser person.

I do want to break free from my fears and learn to live with courage.

Believing in God, believing in miracles, believing in possiblities.

Sometimes we laugh at pple who dare to dream. Like those pple who sign up for beauty contest or singing contest when they obviously "cannot make it". Yet, I think they shld be admired for their courage. I think some pple laugh at them because they are jealous that they cannot break free from their fears like those tt they laugh at.

Life is a risk anyway. Life is about daring to love, daring to hate, daring to forgive, daring to accept, daring to fight, daring to change, daring to accept, daring to fail, daring to succeed. We may not be able to predict the outcome of our life but uncertainties make life more exciting. The rush of adrenaline, the pulsing of your veins, the blood coursing through every part of your body. That is the feeling of life.

Let's take a risk to live anyway.

Are you game?

Almost There

2005-05-07T13:04:00.000+08:00

Delta Goodrem - Almost There Lyrics
Did I hear you right
'cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?
But when I need you
You're almost here

And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears 'cause you're only almost here
I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me
Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you
But when I need you
You're almost here

And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause you're only almost here
Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you
But when I need you
You're almost here

Well I never knew how far behind i'd left you
And when I hold you you're almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you
I'm close to tears 'cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

Bored & Boring

2005-05-06T20:43:00.000+08:00

Haven't been blogging since last friday because:
1) I'm bored...sick and tired of blogging
2) I'm a boring person
3) Too much have been said, I need to have some private space
4) Worried about my future, no mood to write anything

Hmmm...to just prove my point, let me jot down the things I did today
1) Woke up, nervous, jittery, went toilet 5 times in the morning before interview
2) Took cab down to NUS for med interview
3) Waiting...nice chat with Mon Mon and Zhiying.saw Kelly and Kailing as well. Everyone looks perfect and well-groomed, I feel like a country bumpkin next to them
4) Finally, ended the most important interview of my life...not sure how I did but evrytime I hit the "replay" button in my brain, I am so scared tt I said the wrong things.
5) Met Al and Tan in Orchard. Al commented tt I look like aN "ah ma" in my interview clothes.Thanks al...I can't help it for looking tt way.
6) Met Carol.wanted to watch the interpreter but missed the 2.45pm timing. Went sakae to eat instead. din eat much though.stomach couldn't take so much food. went walk walk after tt.
7) Home...blogging and wondering how to increase my income. More tuition? Waitressing? I feeel sooo broke!

The only thing for me to look forward to now is 'Golden Faith' at 10pm tonight.I simply love tt show! Jessica Hsuen looks sooo good!

That's all for now folks...so much for my boring life

Nobody's Children-by me-

2005-04-29T19:01:00.000+08:00

Big hollow eyes
Staring aimlessly
Don't know where to go
Don't know who to seek
For they are nobody's children,
nobody's treasure to keep.

Should their stomachs rumble
They dare not grumble,
but can only fumble,
in that cast-away jumble.
Should their hearts be torn
and their spirits worn,
there is no time for them to mourn
until this battle against life is won.

They dare not hope,
nor do they dare to dream.
They believe that their lives were meant to be
one of misery.

Yet when it's cold and dark at night,
And when they're tired of all that fight
Against loneliness, hunger and all that strife,
They wondered about the sky,
whether there will be tears shed for them
when they die.
They prayed to the Lord,
hoping that He would come
and soothe their fears.
They cried with battered hearts
trying to forget that they belong
to nobody,
that they are
Nobody's children indeed.

Actually I wrote the poem above quite long ago and it's not very good but I just feel like entering this poem after reading a magazine sent by World Vision. In one of the articles written by Goh Eng Kee, the World Vision Sgp Executive Director, there was mention abt the tsunami victims who are still in the process of healing. Here's a short extract from the article:

" Some of the more poignant moments are of adult survivors in deep sorrow, crying for understanding of their personal survival while beloved members of their family have perished. And of young children, who cannot make sense of the turmoil and repeatedly experience nightmarish dreams only to wake up alone and terribly afraid."

My heart ache to think of the many children who have been made homeless or parentless by the tsunami. In the aftermath of the tsunami, it was heartening to see humanity at its very best when pple contributed willingly and generously. However, we must remember that the pain of the tsunami victims will take alot of time to heal. Especially for young children who are unable to express their feelings of loss and grief.And I do feel so useless when I think of how little I can do to aid them in their emotional healing.

Reading the World Vision magazine also make me realise how blessed I am in comparison to the children from poorer parts of the world. If I have the money and know that my parents will be well-taken care of, I hope to build an orphanage in places like Myanmar, China, Indonesia etc and stay at the orphanage to teach the children and care for their needs. But how realistic is this dream? Only God knows.

Too Tired to Think

2005-04-27T17:29:00.000+08:00

Super sleepy today! Was blur blur half the time this morning and din really feel as accomplished today morning as I did usually cos there were not much to do. Had this patient who claims tt he is an expert driver and has been driving since 16. He told me tt he can actually teach me for free when he heard tt i'm not learning driving now. Haha. But I dun think it's necessary since i dun even own a car now. And he even wanted me to feed him lunch when he can move his right hand to eat la. Not that I mind but I need to go off at 1pm so I told him tt I'll be busy. Haha.

Anyway, met Nat for lunch and felt so bad tt her aunt treated us to ding tai feng. wanted to buy a barbie doll for gabrielle (her sweet little cousin) but her aunt refused. So paiseh. Nat, must remind me to buy a present for gabrielle when her bdae is here ok? Thanks anyway for the wonderful afternoon. Btw, Nat's cousin is really sweet!!!She speaks so well and is so sensible for her age. I made her hug and kiss me when she left. Hehe:) But dun worry, I'm no Michael Jackson ok?

Seeing Gabrielle reminds me of childhood. When everything seems so simple and perfect. I miss being a child. Miss the days when I have no worries at all. Supposed to bathe and get ready to teach tuition later. Hmmm...but feeling kinda tired now. Sigh...gotta go now.

Blank

2005-04-26T20:57:00.000+08:00

When you see me blogging so often, it means that sth is wrong. I have practically no social life now. Haha. Maybe not. Actually I do have some stuff to do but just too lazy to get started. Anyway, helped out in wound dressing today and had quite a difficult time. The mask that I had to wear was so uncomfortable and steam just kept forming on my specs. maybe i shld start wearing my contacts now before they expire but just too lazy to bother. And the patient was so hypersensitive to pain, we had to spend 45 min just to get his dressing redone. Quite a fair bit of bleeding and pus coming out from his wounds but fortunately, they are superficial wounds.

Meanwhile, my waistline is expanding due to the lack of exercise. Sigh. But I'm really too lazy to exercise. And I come home so tired everyday that all I wanna do is sit in front the tv and be a potato! Haha. Watching Beautiful Illusions now and the plot is quite intriguing though unbelievable.

can you imagine living a double-life? I can't. It's scary to lead a life like that of an angel then behaving like the devil the next. How dark is human nature exactly? How far do we actually go into self-discovery? How much good can we do in a life-time to compensate for the evil thoughts that we may have occasionally?

Can't think or write anymore. sorry.

I Need A Miracle

2005-04-25T19:23:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's essay was one of the most important essays of my life and yet, I think I screwed it up. This always happens to me. I always have problem conveying my thoughts properly at crucial exams or tests. It had happened for my O'level, A' level and now, it is happening for my med essay. What did I do to deserve this?

The topic for yesterday's test was : Students today are so focused on gaining admission into the medicine course that they fail to develop personal attributes that will help them sustain a career in medicine. Discuss and support with your own observations and specific examples.

It's a simple yet difficult question. Expected yet unexpected. Expected because it was something that every potential medical student should have considered when applying for the course. Unexpected because the past years' questions were all about personal views or experiences like success and failure. Crap. I felt exactly like that. Right now I need a miracle from God to save me. Sometimes when you know that things are obviously bad and there's nothing else you can do about it, only God can save you. That was what happened for my Bio 'S' and in fact, my A levels, hope that it'll happen again.

But what if it is not God's will for me to be a doctor? Will I be able to accept it? I kept questioning myself if I have misinterpreted God's purpose for me? Could it be possible that I am twisting my own will to believe that it is God? I don't wanna be extreme but I feel like I'll rot away in a miserable life if I cannot be a doctor.

True, lots of pple told me that being a doctor has no life. You don't have time to date, to meet up with friends, to talk to yr family. I'm prepared to be a spinster anyway so I don't mind an empty love life. That will probably leave me some time for my family and friends. And the rest of my time? For my patients. Even so, all these can end up as empty talk. I might not even get in. Esp after the lousy essay that I wrote.

I'm beginning to fear it when pple assume that I'll definitely be a doctor. Nothing is definite. Nothing is definite until the NUS Med pple tell me that I'm in. And being in the hospital these past few days make me feel so inspired to be one. I feel so envious when I see the docotrs make their rounds. I feel so happy to be doing something I love. I may be tired at the end of the day but the thought of the patients whom I have helped during the day never fail to make me feel that everything is worthwhile.

I've told myself not to expect too much. My hopes always end up in the drain. Only God can lift me up from the darkness now. And if it's not His will, I'll just have to move on and accept it. Study science. Be a teacher. Or can I be a nurse? An OT? I would have to go polytechnic next year. I don't mind actually but it just feels like I have spent my last 2 years in JC in vain.

Hello Lua Shun Wei! Wake up and stop it! You are not done with the interview yet! The results are not out yet! How would you know that all is lost? Please, don't despair.

Same for you too. Whoever you are. Reading this now, feeling that your future is bleak.

Not all is lost yet.

When God closes a door in our lives, He'll open another for us.

I'll pray that we'll all be able to find meaning in our lives.

I need a miracle.

Rambling Away

2005-04-25T19:05:00.000+08:00

Woke up late today, feeling extremely tired. My mind feels so groggy that I didn't really wanna get up to TTSH for the first time through all my days there. But I went anyway. Maybe it's my fatigue or maybe it's my worry over yesterday's med essay test but things didn't go very well today. Had trouble chasing after the patients' case folder and x-rays today. One of the doctors who always 'dao' me when I asked her for the patient's folder was working on the patient's discharge details today. So I decided to wait around for the doctor and got scolded by the clerk for not asking. Sigh.

There was a patient who groaned very loudly in pain today during the OT treatment. He had an external fixator attached to his forearm and the whole dressing was soaked in blood when SH removed the bandaging. Felt so sorry for him but fortunately, his girlfriend and friends were all around to offer him some comfort. And his girlfriend is super chio lor. Haha. sounds so superficial but ya.

Somehow, I find that I am more able to strike up a good conversation with middle-aged or elderly patients rather than with pple my age. Why? I really do wonder. Maybe because I'm old at heart. Or maybe because I sense that young pple have a stronger will of survival. They are more emotionally stable and have their own friends to reassure them in times of need. Like during a hospital stay.

Those are just superficial things that I've said. How do I feel now? What else do I have to say? Read on to find out...

Peace

2005-04-21T20:59:00.000+08:00

Haven't blogged for quite a few days now. I have been quite tired these past few days. And perhaps, I've ran out of things to say for the time being because I am at peace with my life now. Though I still have the essay test and interviews coming up, I'm more or less settled now because I'm resting in Him. That gives me more room to be myself. To be my quiet, retired self who is not provocative in thinking, nor too open about how i feel.

I understand that a lot of people find talking too deeply about what they think scary. In fact, they are afraid to talk to open people because they see these people as vulnerable and exposed. They see these people as traps, waiting to trick them into spilling out their thoughts too. Or maybe they are afraid that they might be obliged to reveal more about themselves. There is no right or wrong in this. We all have a choice in how much we want to let others know about ourselves.

A few days ago, when I was talking to Tan, she told me that I'm no longer the bubbly person I used to be. Maybe. I can still go on a high and do crazy stuff because that's the way I've always been. It's just that now, having known me, having known the other side of me that is reflective, melancholic and at times dark, I seem like a tired person. Old and lacking in enthusiasm. If all you see now is someone who laughs and talks about funny things all the time, someone who is frivolous and silly and care nothing about the happenings around her, then perhaps, I will still remain the same bubbly person. Because if that's the case, I'll still appear as a child to you, fun and full of life. Innocent and untainted by worldly concerns.

But I can't ignore the things around me. I can't stop growing old. I can't skip and hop and pretend to be on an emotional high everyday, to everyone. Can you? Can you not have any ups and downs? Can you not be weighed down by worries at times? Can you not feel tired when life is like a monotonous routine at times?

At times, I wish I can bring back that child in me. I wish that I can be like the Little Prince in the storybook. But I know that it is impossible. So I'm happy enough to have peace in my heart. Happy to know that I'm finally accepting changes around me. Happy to know that I'm no longer struggling to keep up with changes. No longer confused,nor upset, nor betrayed by changes. Really. I am glad for all the peace now.Maybe we should stop making happiness or joy our life-long goals. Such feelings may give you an emotional high but they slip away, like the shifting sun's rays on your hands. To me now, peace is a more important thing to achieve. It makes me content with life. It stops me from wanting more. It prevents me from expecting and hurting.

Seeing Val yesterday brought peace to my heart.

Though I've been hurting because of her changes and absence these past few months, seeing how she was sincerely happy to see me and falling back into our comfortable friendship yesterday brought me peace. Thank you, Val.

Installing Love

2005-04-18T20:16:00.000+08:00

Tech Support: Yes, Ma'am.... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart, ma'am?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running, ma'am?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off, ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support : With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components ." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry, ma'am. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non- technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you!

The Spirit Of Giving

2005-04-17T19:37:00.000+08:00

I nearly missed church today because Al fell sick at the last minute and I didn't want to attend church alone. However, I held back because I felt that God had a message to pass to me. And I'm glad that I've heeded my heart's calling because I've learnt a very powerful lesson about the true spirit of giving today. I thought I should just share abit about this with all of you.

Many of us "suffer" from the poverty mentality. We often feel that we do not have enough to spare to others and sometimes, even ourselves. We may donate to charity occasionally but only when our conscience bug at us. We may want to buy gifts for our family and friends but often hold back because we feel that they may not appreciate what we do for them. We may tithe to the church but do so only out of an obligation and not because we want to show our thanks to God. All these behaviour make our spirits small. They prevent us from experiencing the full joy of giving. They make us feel miserable and cheap in the spirit because each time we give, we will only be focusing on how much poorer we are in the pockets and not on how much richer we are in our hearts.

When I heard the above from the pastor, I felt extremely guilty because I am one of those people who suffer from the poverty mentality. Though I don't mind donating to the charity, I find that I constantly hold back before giving because I felt that I didn't have much to spare. However, if I were to think carefully now, I have so much more than some people, especially those in poor countries like Africa, Indonesia, Vietnam etc. I have a roof over my head, a good education, food on my table, clothes to wear and blankets to keep me warm at night. Yet, the trappings of the material world constantly make me feel inadequate. There is always more to desire. Perhaps this is the reason for my poverty mentality.

The pastor also said that there are rich people who constantly feel poor because their wealth could not meet their needs. Perhaps they wanted even more wealth they could possibly manage. Or perhaps they have other needs that are not met, such as the need for the understanding of their family and friends, the need for love, the need for respect and the list goes on. In the context of Bible prosperity, true wealth is achieved when one has everything and is able to give a tenth of his/her wealth to others. Only through giving can a person feel rich. Only through generousity can a person believe that he/she has enough.

In Genesis 14:18-20, Abraham(Abram) gave a tenth of the spoils he obtained to Melchizedek ( King of Righteousness) by grace and not by the law. He was able to give because he knew that he was rich and that God was responsible for his wealth. I think this is the way we should live, knowing that God will provide for us and that once we give, God will bless us with even more. Even for people who are not Christians, the true spirit of giving can be achieved once you understand that giving is not a mathematical calculation of gain and loss. It is about enriching yourself in the spirit. It is about giving some hope to others' lives. It is about portraying the beauty of humanity by showing that we are all capable of love.

We may not be the richest man on Earth but that should not stop us from giving. Look at yourself today. Ask what you have to offer to the world. Try to think of giving beyond the money terms. You may not realise it now but maybe somewhere out there, be it near of far, there may be someone, some people, who are in need of your time and love.

Give. And give freely.

Migratory Birds

2005-04-17T08:12:00.000+08:00

" Everything was as it should be, as it had been, but I had no place in it anymore. I'd trespassed in order to be there at all, and suddenly I felt more alone than I ever had, more desolate, more burdened by my own soul and by who I was, however ineluctably, and it began to seem as if my presence here marked the last moment ever in which I could really be young."

This short passage came from a book talking about a young man who had returned to his old childhood home only to find that he doesn't really belong there anymore. In a way, I felt like him yesterday when I read my old diaries yesterday to explore the wonderland of my past. Everything seem so foreign now. The people I knew, they have changed and even though they are still there, we are all different now. We were all so carefree then. We laughed and talked about everything. Anything. From the past, I remembered the childish things we did, how we pretended to be ninjas in the toilet(won't name who in case I embarrass you), how we would sit in the canteen playing silly finger guessing games, how we would skip along corridors to practise can-can dance...I miss those days and missing them pains my heart sometimes because there is nothing I can do to bring those memories back.Maybe that's why most of my entries last time were sad. Writing about sad stuff prevents you from looking back. It does not make you feel helpless looking at the past.

Sometimes, I feel that we are all migratory birds, travelling from places to places as the seasons change. Those who flew high and look ahead without ever turning back save themselves from alot of heartache while those who look back and start missing a familiar place will tend to be left behind, forgotten forever. Maybe I belong to the latter. When the time comes for us to move to new places, experience new sights, sounds and tastes, I will be here, waiting.

Maybe some of you may infer this entry as a sad entry but I assure you that it is with no touch of sadness that I wrote this. I am filled with warm wishes and hope for all of you; friends who will be leaving for overseas studies and friends who will be studying here. I want to let all of you know that no matter how high or how far each of you fly to reach your dreams, I'll be that old friend waiting on familiar grounds, to catch you when you fall, to heal you when you are wounded so that when you recover, you all can reach greater heights.

And I pray here, that God will keep you warm and fill each of you with peace so that no matter how turblent the air is, no matter how strong the winds are, you will never have to be afraid.

I believe, that we can all soar, to reach the lush green land of promise.